- Oh Happy Daze

Dos and Don'ts

There are quite a few things I’ve been dealing with lately. I consider myself an ‘open book’ in general but sometimes there are things swirling though my mind that I can’t quite grasp, and certainly not tight enough to be able to attach words to them in order to share them with you.
I’ve been feeling really run-down lately. We’ve chatted about my difficulty saying ‘no’ to things before, and I’m pretty much the worst rehab patient when it comes to that. Backslidden is my middle name. I’ll say no to things and activities for, um, maybe a weekend before I continue to pile things on. It’s a sickness, I tell ya! And honestly, I can’t tell you anything specific that is ‘too much’. I’ve been doing it all. But what is lacking is ‘me time’. No time for me to read, or bake {on rare occasion}, or craft, or paint my nails, or shave my legs {I went 2 weeks recently}, or organize this closet, or donate those toys. And that makes my house look like a hoarder house again. and it makes me feel both physically and emotionally run-down. The kind of run-down that a good afternoon nap can’t fix.
God chose these months of my life to help me learn some pretty important things about myself, though. I have been struggling lately with pregnancy jealousy. I am so ready to have another baby, but we aren’t going to and that makes me really sad sometimes. Remember my kidney disease issue? We’ve been advised by my kidney doctor of all the risks associated for both me and potential baby should we try for another. “I don’t really tell people not to have more children, but you shouldn’t have more children, but I don’t really tell people….just…no”. So we made the decision to grow our family in other ways, whatever they may be. That didn”t stop me from having those jealous feelings, though. I have several friends {including my sister!!} who are expecting right now and I found myself craving that. I certainly wasn’t jealous of the nausea, and swelling, and all the other icky things that happen to you that nobody ever writes down. I was jealous of the excitement, the anticipation, and the pride that goes along with carrying and delivering life. Sometimes it’s hard for me to control those types of deep-seated gut feelings that rear their ugly head. God has been working on changing my perspective, though, and I have truly found a place of contentment which I had been missing previously. I had to put our foster care “status” on hold for a few months and that was a really tough decision, but definitely something we needed to do for the summer {I am watching my friend Tiffany’s son Gavin while she works and there’s no way I can fit 3 carseats across in my Rav4, though not for lack of trying}. Each time we take in a foster kiddo for respite {temporary care} it is really wonderful and I absolutely love doing that; but lately there has been a sense of relief in me when it is over and we go back to having just Charlotte. Just Charlotte is easy, and fun, and flexible. Just Charlotte means longer periods during the day to get XYandZ finished. I know you mother’s of 2+ children know exactly what I’m talking about. That feeling of relief I get tells me that everything I’ve got going on right now is too much, and I need to take a step back and make some choices.
I recently read something with a few girlfriends that has really resonated with me:

“It’s not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What’s hard, she said, is figuring out what you’re willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about.”  
         – Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

We were encouraged to look at the things we do, and the things we don’t do. There are a lot of things I am doing right now, which means there are some things I need to not do in order to keep my focus on those in the do column. Right now, in these few months of hecticness and life, I need to not do more children. I always thought I would have a lot of kiddos. And I probably still will down the road, but right now in this moment it’s just Charlotte and I’m content. content and thankful. So so thankful for what I have because as many friends as I have who are expecting, I have the same number of friends who are struggling with infertility. and my heart hurts for what they are experiencing.
There are so many things contributing to my ‘rundown-ness’ lately, I need to re-assess my list of ‘I do’  and  ‘I don’t do’. 

“Deciding what I wanted wasn’t that hard. But deciding what I’m willing to give up for those things is like yoga for your superego, stretching and pushing and ultimately healing that nasty little person inside of you who exists only for what people think”
– Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

Things I do:
I do keep my daughter fed and clothed {most days}. I give 100% while I am at work and need to move some more things over to the “don’t” column so I can give 100% to my husband while I am at home too. I host a community group and a women’s group in my home {both of which are essential to my survival}. I babysit the sweetest little 5 month old, sometimes I iron my husband’s shirts, and once I wore only 7 pieces of clothing for a whole month. I write and I enjoy writing. I sew things {not very well, but i’m learning}. I try to live out Mark 12:30 -31 {paraphrased: Love God, love others}.
Things I don’t do:
Right now I don’t do more than 1 kiddo. I don’t write in my daughter’s baby book, or keep her artwork {it goes right in the trash}. I don’t run charity races for work. I don’t cook. I haven’t painted over the sloppy paint job on my baseboards {and I won’t}. I don’t get my hair cut sooner than 6 months since the last cut. I don’t need a spotless house, and I need to stop apologizing for that. I don’t tend my veggie garden weekly {meh, it is what it is}.
What are on your do and do not lists?

- Oh Happy Daze

Screen Time, and why we don't allow it.

Charlotte has discovered her sweet spot in the house – when standing in the far corner of the large back door she can look into our neighbor’s house and watch their 60 inch television ’til her heart’s content. Very sneaky kiddo, very sneaky. She is a bit starved for television these days now that she actually knows what it is, but Chris and I are standing firm with our goal of not letting her watch television until after her 2nd birthday. She’s already starting with the negotiations, though: “mommy, I watch tv… one minute”. I resist giving in to her little plea every time, and here’s why:
It’s no secret that our society today is driven by technology, and that doesn’t just apply to adults. I am constantly within arms reach of my phone and, as a result, it didn’t take Charlotte very long to recognize that phones were important. I don’t think there’s a child alive in the US that hasn’t seen a television, phone, iPad, or movie; I’d bet most kiddos encounter all of those numerous times a day. In the US, almost 90% of infants and toddlers are exposed to TV programs before they turn 2 and by age 3 almost 1/3 have a television in their room {source,source}. Frankly, that’s startling.
Now before I go any further I don’t want you to think I’m putting on my judgmental hat or that I sit here on my hoity toity throne dishing out advice I gained from all my awesome parenting experiences. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m new at this. I only have 1 child whom I have parented for all of 23 months so far {even less, since the first months are more about keeping the fresh baby alive and less about shaping them to become an awesome human being}.  I do, however, consider myself a kid professional: previously a preschool teacher, swim and gymnastics instructor, tutor, babysitter, and now a pediatric speech therapist.Please read this post in its entirety; I’m just like you, I skim through some blogs and form my opinion based on the phrases and power words I gleaned. I think this post may brush some nerves, though, and I don’t want someone walking away with the wrong idea. Parenting choices are always a difficult topic to approach, but I’m feeling quite brave tonight so let’s dive in.
I am so thankful I recently (about 2 years ago) stumbled upon several articles that offered some interesting information which confronted most of my previous assumptions about babies and toddlers watching television. Previously I was in the same mindset as most other parents out there: “TV is ok as long as the shows are educational”. I am writing this today, as both a mother and a pediatric speech language pathologist,  to provide you with the same information I stumbled across so you can then make your own educated decision.  I’m not quite sure how this research about television viewing and kids has not become part of the mainstream parenting mindset, other than that there may be some big corporations who make big money on children’s television programming at work keeping things under wraps. That, and the simple fact that television + children = quiet. Quiet means moms and dads and caregivers are able to do what they want or need to do without distraction. Quiet is good, tv quiet is really good and, I’m just going to come right out and say it…. quiet is easy. I’m sorry if that feels like a sucker punch, but it’s not like this is new information. Turning on the television to entertain a child is easy. Don’t be mad, really, I am not saying this to make anyone feel guilty. There are a million reasons why people let their children watch television/movies, and not all of them are selfish ‘because I need you kids to be quiet’ reasons. I have a feeling that some of you set your wee little babe in front of the tv simply because that’s what everyone else does. Or maybe you are just in the habit of keeping the tv on in the background all day for yourself? Let’s look at some research {I never thought I’d be saying that}.
When Charlie was still a fresh baby {maybe 1 month old?} I came across an article from the American Academy of Pediatrics recommending no television/movie time for children under the age of 2 (source). I was honestly really shocked. I mean, what about all those Baby Einstein videos?! Aren’t they for, ya know…. babies?  I was confused, so I did some more digging. As it turns out, there is quite a bit of research out there regarding the negative impact of television viewing and babies/toddlers. But not in the way you may think:

“Infants’ attraction to screens is driven by the visual-orienting reflex. Our brains our wired to respond to novelty, especially bright colors, loud sounds, and flashing lights. This is basically a startle reflex, and it accounts for why infants stare at video screens. It does not mean they are enjoying the stimulation- rather, they are slaves to their own reflexes and actually do not have the control to look away. This can actually be stressful to infants, and may have harmful effects on a developing brain that has not evolved to tolerate all this stimulation…”

{source}

So basically, if our babies are ‘captivated by’ a specific show, it truly has little to do with the content, and more to do with their little brain reflexes on overdrive. Their startle reflex is being triggered over and over and over again, their brain unable to relax or shut down. This has big implications for the success of a child’s brain development in those first few years of life. Several recent studies outline numerous negative effects of screen-time in babies and excessive screen-time in children: sleep problems, obesity, decreased ability to concentrate, delayed language acquisition, reduced creative play, reduced problem solving skills… and on and on (source, source).  The captivating reflex aside, research has not been able to support the idea that children under 2 glean information from shows deemed ‘educational’ (source), so even if it wasn’t harmful, it isn’ helpful either.

 Unstructured play time is more valuable for the developing brain than electronic media. Children learn to think creatively, problem solve, and develop reasoning and motor skills at early ages through unstructured, unplugged play. Free play also teaches them how to entertain themselves.

(source)

The American Academy of Pediatrics also recommends less than 2 hours a day of screen time for older children (source), since there is a negative correlation between the hours a child watches television and their reading skills (source). Regardless, the time a child spends watching television is time taken away from them engaging in other, more cognitive enriching activities.
I’ll be the first to say I haven’t parented long enough to see how this ‘no tv under age 2’ thing plays out when an older sibling is already allowed to watch television. I’d imagine it’s difficult, but I also know it can be done {i’ve experimented by borrowing my nephews, ages 7 and 4}. Here’s the thing about toddlers under age 2 – they nap. And it’s wonderful. Charlotte and I have gotten into a pretty good routine: she goes down for a nap, I grab a snack and turn on my guilty pleasure show {I can’t even bring myself to type it}, she wakes up, I turn off the television and go get her out of bed. It’s the perfect check and balance system because the beginning and end times for television are set and regulated by a tiny monster sleeping upstairs. Afternoons can’t be wasted away with me lying on a pile of unfolded laundry in front of the television. There is a small window of  opportunity for glorious tv viewing and once she wakes up it’s over. and sometimes it’s annoying {not gonna lie, sometimes I roll my eyes…. hard}. and there have been so many times I’ve just wanted to snuggle up on the couch and show her the Lion King and see her reaction to all the animals {the zebra seems to be her fav at the moment}. but I resist. mostly out of principle. I’ve made it 23 months without letting her watch television or movies. I can make it one more month. And once she is 2 we won’t let it be a TV free-for-all. We will continue to follow the guidelines recommended by the AAP {1-2 hours a day of high quality content only source), we may even offer less.
Now, you may be thinking that because I don’t let Charlotte watch television I probably have to lay on the floor and play with her all day long or she’d have nothing to do. but I don’t. I can’t. I would go mad. I have been very impressed with Charlotte’s development {her creative play, her ability to entertain herself, her ridiculous vocabulary, and mostly her language development}. I have seen the benefits of allowing free, unstructured play that requires creativity and active participation as opposed to the passive participation television requires of us. I also know that Charlotte has watched television under the care of other people {even my own husband admitted to letting her play a wildly stimulating alphabet game on his phone}. And that’s ok. And she has survived folks! But I’m calling all parents to truly think about what their child is gaining from television that they couldn’t gain from a conversation with us or play with a peer or even play by themselves…. the answer is nothing (and I know that because I’m a speech therapist. that’s what I do in life).
Since that was a ridiculously long post, here’s a recap:

  • AAP recommends no tv before age 2, after age 2 they recommend <2 hours a day of high-quality (read ‘educational’) programming
  • Any videos/shows geared towards babies are actually not best for baby
  • If your child seems ‘glued to the tv’ it’s because THEY ARE, thanks to a startling reflex triggered by the screen. aka: not good
  • Negative correlation (one incidence raises as the other lowers) between tv watching and reading skills, attention skills, ability to problem solve, creative play, and language acquisition.
  • Positive correlation (one raises, the other raises) between tv watching and obesity and sleep issues.
  • Not allowing Charlotte to watch television has helped curb my appetite for tv/movies (it’s not totally gone, but definitely diminished), and I am more productive throughout the day without TV being an option to distract me.
  • No television program/movie/app can deliver more educational/fundamental information for development than a warm, talking human being {at least while a kiddo is young. Once Charlotte starts asking me what the square root of 8,945 is or how many different types of kangaroos there are I’m sending her straight to the Discovery channel and a computer}

Are there ways you can begin implementing reduced television/movie/iPad/phone times in your home? Now is the best time to start; let’s not wait until more research comes to light in 10 years touting the negative effects of screen time on entire families. I think everyone can benefit from unplugging and connecting face to face.
mmmkay, are we still friends? Oh I hope so!

- Oh Happy Daze

My coffee is still warm.

Hello friends.
I’ve missed you. I have been begging and pleading with my schedule to let up and allow me some time to write, but no such luck.
Until today, when I dropped my sweet almost 2 year old off for her first day of summer preschool camp.
Charlotte's first day of summer preschool
 
haha, let’s play a game called “how many dead plants are there”?
Charlotte's first day of summer preK2
 
So here I am drinking a cup of still warm coffee and writing a few of my thoughts down. And now you get to enjoy the ramblings of my brain displayed on paper:

  • Remember my experimental mutiny against excess {inspired and imitated from Jen Hatmaker’s book} ?  Well, I already completed month 4 without you. I sat down at the computer on June 1st to tell you all about how we were going to tackle reducing Waste together throughout the whole month. Today is July 9th, and I still haven’t completed that post or shared an ounce of my month’s experiences with you. I will catch you up later, I know you’re waiting at the edge of your seat to hear more about how much of a waste monster you are.
  • I have been purging again. The struggle is real folks. It sort of never ends. I think my tolerance level for the amount of possessions in my house is decreasing. er, increasing? whatever. The first month of purging stuff was painful. nay, brutal. The second was slightly less  painful and a lot more annoying (as I realized how much of a hold some things truly had on my heart). It is becoming easier and easier for me to let go of things and have become more and more annoyed when things pile up again. Thankfully, I’ve had a lot of motivation to continue down this new fangled path in life called ‘being content with what you have’ in the last few weeks. We’ve needed to make space in our extra room {previously my ‘craft’ room, Chris’ ‘guitar’ room, and my beloved ‘store the junk here and close the door’ room} for a friend who will be staying with us for a bit. I wasn’t sure how I would fit all the contents of that room into other places in my house and I eventually had to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t really possible, so I had to purge more. Fortunately for me I have the most awesome friends in the world. This is how it played out:

me: hey friends, I am calling out for help. I need to get rid of more things and I am feeling overwhelmed. I don’t know where to start or when to find the time and am dreading it because all that stuff in there is stuff that already made it through the first three rounds of purging so I obviously love it and value it and want to keep it but know I have to make some hard decisions to let things go and make room and I don’t know if I can do it as quickly as it needs to be done.  I mean, I don’t want to burden you guys and I know you have your own stuff going on. I hate to take away from your time when I know you have your own schedules to deal with, just let me know if possibly, just maybe in the next few weeks or months or this year some time you can spare a minute to help me out a bit. Kthanks.

friends: ok. see you tomorrow.

And they came. and they brought liquid encouragement in the form of a large fresh-squeezed lemonade. And they stayed pretty much all day even though I said repeatedly “don’t feel like you have to stay all day”. And I am so, so thankful for them.

So, seriously if you don’t have a group of people who do this kind of thing for you please reach out to me and I will be that for you!

  • On Tuesday I ate 9 mini reese’s peanut butter cups while at work. Tuesday was a tough day for some of my patient’s, so it was a tough day for me emotionally.
  • The community garden is going very well. We are dealing with some finicky soil, some annoying rain barrels, and some brazen deer… but we continue forth in our efforts to grow green stuff. I’m not gonna lie, gardening is a little bit addictive.
  • I haggled at a yard sale for the first time in my life last weekend and afterwards I all but ran back to the car to proclaim my boldness to Chris. I still don’t think he realizes the magnitude of this life experience for me. I mean, I was that kid who wanted ketchup but would suffer without it just so I didn’t have to go up to the counter and, gulp, speak to someone. This is big folks.

Brain purge: 20% complete, but alone time is over so the rest will have to wait for another day.

- Oh Happy Daze

Popcorn + a lesson in love

So this happened in our house this week:
rose and Charlotte June 2014
I know, my heart exploded into a million happy pieces too.
We’ll call her Popcorn {since she devoured my entire supply}. She only stayed with us for the week but she and Charlie formed a quick bond, though it was more like a love-hate relationship with occasional jealous spurts when they both had their eyes on the same toy.
I am so glad I captured this moment. A moment of pure sweetness and friendship.
It is my hope that this image is a reflection of Charlotte’s character now, and in 2 years, and in 20 years.
I think one of my most important jobs on earth as a parent is to make sure Charlotte develops a deep love for the other people on this earth. After all, it is what Jesus tasked us with:
Love your neighbor as yourself. Mark 12:31
I love myself a lot, so that sets a pretty high standard for the amount of love I am to show towards others. Sometimes it’s easy to love people with an even greater love than I reserve for myself. I’d say most of the time, though, it’s hard to love other people. so dang hard.
Loving others. It’s simple to say, but impossible to carry out on our own. The only reason we can truly know love and show love is because Jesus showed it to us first {and he continues to show it every second of every day}.   I think the best way to have Charlotte learn and internalize that is to see it demonstrated in us, her parents. So we continue to try and focus our efforts and priorities so they point towards our creator, and only then will our actions truly reflect love towards others. It’s a process. It’s a daily choice. It’s so hard to keep our priorities centered. I don’t want to reflect on another year passed and find we had some priorities mixed up, but it’s so hard to do it on our own. I know we aren’t the only ones out there who struggle with priorities. Who are wondering if what they have filled their days and weeks with is stuff that actually matters. Do you struggle too? Here is a modified excerpt from a sermon I listened to recently:

When I run after God then I become the woman God intended me to be, that I was always meant to be. When I become the woman God meant for me to be then my husband gets a better wife, my kids get a better mom. I could run after/put my focus on only being a better wife, and my husband may get a better wife. I could focus on being a better mom, and my daughter may get a better mom. If I run after God, though, then my husband gets a better wife, and my daughter gets a better mom, and you get a better friend, and my boss gets a better employee…  Me running after God personally {internally} makes me a better woman publicly {externally}.

I love that and I am so thankful I was able to listen to that sermon and hear those truths. If you have the time {and if you say to yourself that you don’t have time I would recommend carving out some time}, listen to or watch this sermon series from Flatirons Church in Colorado: Unsinkable {the sermon the above quote is from is titled Rearranging Chairs on the Titanic}. It has helped me focus my priorities on things that last, instead of possessions, my career, or even keeping up with the Jones’ {who do those Jones’ think they are?!}. I hope my heart continues to change and become more compassionate towards others so that I can live by example for my daughter. I want her to grow up in an environment where compassion and selflessness are the norm, instead of the opposing message most of the world has to offer.
Who’s with me?! {raises fist in the air}
also, pray for Popcorn.