Mamas. I see you. All of you.
healthy mamas. sick mamas. single mamas. working mamas. foster mamas. grandma mamas. lonely mamas. birth mamas. teacher mamas. happily-married mamas. teen mamas. heartbroken mamas. brave mamas. aunt mamas. grieving mamas. elderly mamas. hope-to-be mamas. soon-to-be mamas. desperate-to-be mamas. aren’t-able-to-hold-their-baby mamas. ashamed mamas. adoptive mamas. extra-needs-kiddo mamas. overwhelmed mamas. sleep-deprived-brand-new mamas. fierce mamas. struggling-to-bond-with-their-baby mamas. social-worker mamas. NICU mamas. Neighbor mamas. Soccer mamas.
All who mother in one capacity or another are honored this Mother’s Day. Each one of us walks a different motherhood path, and it is absolutely necessary for us to approach one another with love and grace at the forefront. Some of us mamas may be struggling this weekend. Possibly because our mama path involves heartache or painful experiences.
This weekend, Will’s first mama is on my mind and heart. To be completely honest, she is always on my mind. I think when two women mother the same human they are connected in the most unique, heart-binding way. I can’t ever express to her how grateful I am that she chose life for her son. I don’t want to share too many details, because that is her life and her story to tell, but I know she LOVES William and not having the chance to raise him was not her choice. She is God’s creation. He loves her. He grieves when she grieves. So I love her and I grieve when she grieves. I know she is grieving this weekend and I am heartbroken over that fact. It is an impossible situation to bring clarity to and to process in your mind and heart: I am totally obsessed with and completely in love with my son, whose first mother is also completely in love with him yet doesn’t get to see him or hold his chubby hand or kiss his squishy cheeks. Yet together, we are motherhood.
So let’s not assume all mothers feel loved and appreciated this mother’s day. Throw LOVE around like confetti. Be a bringer of grace to those who need it. Look around your neighborhood, family, school, church, and workplace. Who can you identify that might not be celebrating this mother’s day with joy and cheer? Wade into their grief or sadness or shame to meet them. You don’t have to have the perfect words to say and it’s best not to come crashing in with suggestions and solutions, simply acknowledge that they are seen and loved.
We see you mamas! We know today is a hard day but we acknowledge you and your struggle, and more importantly, God sees you and your struggle. He is the HOPE dealer. The JOY bringer. The SHAME eraser. The HEART healer. and you may feel like you are done with breathing, but God is literally the LIFE breather. And if you’re feeling like your experience as a mama, in whatever capacity you’ve performed, is more like a #momfail rather than a #momwin, rest assured that there is nothing you can do or have done to you that can wreck your life so badly that God can’t still mend you and use you in beautiful ways.
Every mama, I see you.
Inspiration
Thirty-Three Sounds Good To Me!
Last Friday was my birthday. Yes, it’s taken me 7 days to write this post. don’t blog-shame me. Maybe if I could get my brain and my body to get on the same page I’d be able to sit down and get something accomplished in an efficient way… but so far that hasn’t been a perk of my new kidney. lame.
Last year, thirty-two felt an awful lot like thirty-one. No big.
This year, thirty-three feels completely different. Only 365 days have passed, but it feels more like 365 years have passed. and I’m on a new planet. and in a new body. with a new identity. and all because of a new kidney.
Since my kidney transplant a little over four months ago, I’ve experienced so much change. Emotional change, mental change, spiritual change, and of course, physical change. All that is to be expected, of course, but you can’t ever truly prepare yourself for something like that.
A common misconception about organ transplants (a misconception even I’d subconsciously subscribed to) is that once a person has receive the transplant, things will return to ‘normal’ and they’ll be ‘cured’. Unfortunately, transplantation isn’t a cure for kidney disease; it’s only one of the treatment methods. The alternative is dialysis. I’ve discovered it’s like trading one set of issues for another. And I’m slowly wading through these new ‘issues’ {you can read more about them here}. They’re all generally minor things (hair loss, mood swings, insomnia, hand tremors, weight gain, skin issues, etc.). Totally manageable and itty-bitty in the grand scheme of things.
One of hardest for me to deal with? The face rounding caused by the Prednisone. Some people refer to this as ‘moon face’ {because your face gets as round as the moon. no joke}. I knew going in to this process that that would be something I’d struggle with. Let’s call it what it is: straight up vanity. Rounder isn’t any less beautiful. I know this and I preach this {even though my body shape is more of the twig variety}. I know round is beautiful because I’ve often been jealous of other women who have curves. But I’ve been struggling horribly with this. It’s mostly that my face isn’t my face anymore. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see me. And that is WEIRD! What if my husband doesn’t like this face? He married a slightly different one. So far though, his only comment has been “you look healthy”. meh, I’ll take it.
I hadn’t realized I was subconsciously letting my struggle with my ’round face’ show outwardly until my five year old Charlie and I were taking silly selfies on Snapchat {like you do}. She made an offhand comment that she liked it better “when I smile with my teeth”. She went right back to doing her bunny ear pose, but that comment stuck with me for days! I hadn’t even realized I’d changed the way I smile over the past few months, simply because my face was rounder and I felt self conscious about it. The reality is everything is different and most of this new Ashley is here to stay, so I need to hop on board and ‘make it work’! {insert Tim Gunn voiceover from Project Runway. You can tack on a ‘frankly I’m concerned’ just for fun…}
Regardless of my inner strife, my birthday came just like it does every year. I’ve never been big on celebrating birthdays. I’m content to just let them pass; which I guess isn’t the norm because every time I responded truthfully when asked what I was doing for my birthday {which was nothing} people were shocked. Chris was determined to make me celebrate at least a little, though, so we did it my way:
The morning of my birthday I met a friend for coffee, then we popped in to Target to ‘just get diapers for Will’. Of course I came out with all kinds of things but… happy birthday to me!
Then Will and I ventured out to the DMV to renew my license. I could have done it online, but I was desperate for a new photo! Last time I took a license photo the ‘no smiling rule’ was in effect here in VA and, you guys, I HAVE to smile in photos. If I don’t smile I look like a Disney movie villain. It ain’t natural. Will spent a lot of time crawling around on the floor, dragging his monkey behind him, and pointing to anything interesting he saw. like beards. dogs. women with beards and dogs. and I allowed it. honestly, the fact that he’s mostly non-verbal is a blessing in those situations. I’d just pretend he was pointing at something else and distract him with a cookie.
For dinner we went to Rita’s. It was a total parenting win and we had no regrets.
Then later that evening I was able to meet up with other foster and adoptive mamas to laugh and cry and eat yummy food. It’s a beautiful thing when women support women, mamas support mamas, and we can surround one another with a tribe to call on and fall on when in need. When that happens, mom’s win… but more importantly, families and children win, because they reap the benefits of having strong, healthy foster mamas in their corner.
The next morning, we had breakfast with my family. Then on Sunday, Chris took me out for lunch {I pretty much just ate chips and guac}. Totally my kind of birthday weekend.
I’ve been so spoiled lately and have so much to be thankful for. I’m working on embracing thirty-three and the new Ashley; one who smiles with her teeth more often.
Three Things I'm Loving – February Edition
I’m kind of obsessed with these three things right now and I wanted to share that love with you; maybe you’ll be obsessed too. I may even turn this into a fun monthly series.
1)These gorgeous glass jars.
From Target, of course. In the dollar bin section y’all. I just love the pretty pattern.
I don’t even have a place to put them but they hopped into my cart before I could protest so…… guess it was meant to be. And they have a rubber seal in the lid so you could use them in your kitchen to store your flax seed or flour or whatever else it is you domestic types store in the kitchen.
2) This precious, precious book:
When God Made Light By Matthew Paul Turner
And if you ever feel scared
in the darkness of night,
remember the shadows are no match for God’s light.
Climb into bed,
sleep soundly and dream,
and know that inside you God’s glow is agleam.
‘Cause You’re just like the sun and moon in the sky,
as lustrous as twinkles that dazzle the eye.
You’re as splendid as lightning when it flashes so bright,
’cause on the day you were born, God said, “Let there be light!”
Gah. I mean come on. Those words are so precious and I’ve been reading this to Charlotte each day since it arrived.
Charlie is my sweet worrier. The mothering instinct inside her is so strong, she just can’t help but hover and coddle think of every worst case scenario possible. Her little anxious mind is always tripping over ‘what ifs’. I’m constantly second guessing myself as a mother. Am I giving her the comfort she needs? Am I actually feeding these fears rather then helping her cope with them? Am I saying the right things? This book is so encouraging for both of us!
God is so big and so good. His light is what brings life and it’s only in Him where we can really settle in and let all those fears go. This book {and the one that came before: When God Made You} has the sweetest pictures and focuses on reminding kiddos {ahem, and adults} that we have a purpose, our lives have meaning, and we have a light that needs sharing. It is very life-affirming and encouraging. Hands down my favorite thing right now. Plus, the illustrations are just fabulous and make me chuckle.
3) My thieves cleaner:
I’m trying not to turn into a germaphobe, but it’s really an impossible task right now with all the flu and virus strains going around.
And with me being immunocompromised after my transplant, I just can’t risk it. I’ve also been trying to get all the toxic chemical cleaners out of our home for a while now, and my newfound focus on all things anti-germ has given me the perfect push to just kick the yucky chemicals out the front door.
This glass bottle full of cleaner was given to me as a gift from a generous friend before my transplant when I was desperate to stay healthy so we wouldn’t have to postpone surgery. Isn’t it cute? I use this cleaner pretty much everywhere.
(Thieves is also great for getting sticky residue off of that new thing you bought and tried to pull the label off of and failed miserably. Manufacturers are laughing at us all.)
You can get Young Living oils and this cleaner here. Pretty amber glass bottles here. Vinyl labels here.
In addition to using this cleaner I’ve got pure thieves oil, thieves spray, and thieves hand purifier stashed away in every nook and cranny. I even put some on the inside of my face mask when I’m forced to head out and be around people. Most of whom are living, breathing, coughing germ sharers. Adding Thieves to the inside of my mask helps alleviate any respiratory ‘panic’ I may start to experience from wearing a mask for long periods of time. Most importantly though, all of the oils that go into making thieves (Clove, Lemon, Cinnamon, Eucalyptus Radiata, and Rosemary) have some sort of impact on the immune system, whether it’s antibacterial, antiviral, antiseptic, or antioxidant.
Have you also tried any of these three favorite things? What are your favorite things right now? I want to know!
Just so you know:
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Fighting for Lovely (+ my HOPE Spotify mix)
I’m now 5 weeks post-transplant. Things are getting better every day. My new kidney is adorable and working like the energizer bunny, clearing my body of toxins and being all-around awesome. My kidney is, after all, only 24 years old, so I’m practically a ‘youth’ again. At my last transplant clinic visit I graduated to every-other-week visits!
Only one new organ was added to my body, but it seriously feels like I got a whole new body. Everything is so different. Much of that has to do with the medications {they just barge in and jack stuff up all over the place} and some of it is simply what happens to the human body when you have major surgery…. like your eyelashes fall out and your hair gets a new texture. oh goody.
This past week I’ve been struggling with emotional side effects from my medication.
This is me on prednisone. The aggressive, irritable diva porcupine….
To combat this aggressive porcupine thing I’ve got going on, I’ve been immersing myself in prayer and reading scripture because I want to make sure God’s promises to me remain in the forefront of my mind. Promises about who He is and who He says I am. I’ve also had my Spotify HOPE mix on repeat. Trying to let the words soak in deep. Fighting to stay lovely. I hope it helps you too, in whatever you’re struggling with right now.
{click on the little green Spotify button and it will take you to the Spotify register/log in page}