- admin

Isaiah 55; I've read it, now if I can only take it to heart.

I’ve never been known for my easy breezy ability to say ‘no’. it’s such a teeny little word, you’d think it would be easier to say. My beloved husband is, fortunately, very much unlike me. He has the ability to think objectively about everything and is never fearful of that little ‘no’ word.
This week, though, I did say ‘no’ {with a little prompting}. We got a call from DHS Monday morning asking if we were available to take in another baby. another fresh squish. My heart’s first response was yes! I’m sure it will always be yes. After speaking with Chris, though, I realized our thoughts were very different in this particular situation. Chris was saying no. and for a good reason.
Several months ago my nephrologist {kidney doctor} recommended a kidney biopsy for me following all of my postpartum hypertension and kidney issues after delivering Charlotte {you can read about that experience here and here}. Unfortunately, none of the preliminary ‘non-invasive’ testing had given any clues as to exactly why my kidneys are failing; my doctor recommended a biopsy to investigate further. I am not of the “investigative medicine for medicine’s sake” mindset and there is no true urgency as my kidney function is stable, but “sooner rather than later and absolutely before you think about having another baby” were my doctor’s words to me. We had planned on scheduling it for mid October but postponed once we took in our first Squish. Once he left, we decided to plan the biopsy for mid November.
When Chris and I spoke Monday morning to discuss whether or not we should take in this next squish, Chris’ thoughts were that we needed to continue with the biopsy and take care of my health needs before taking in any more foster kiddos. Of course, that was not what I wanted to hear. We decided to take an hour to pray about it separately. Less than 5 minutes later I received another call from the social worker, offering me more information about this particular baby. I told her about Chris’ concerns and the need for a biopsy and she actually convinced me that we needed to not  take this baby and continue with our plans instead of postponing the biopsy again. According to my doctor, the biopsy would entail an overnight stay in the hospital, 72 hours of no activity, then 2 weeks of no lifting. Not the easiest thing to recover from when you have a 14 month old, and probably impossible if we took in a newborn as well. If we had taken in this newborn, we would have had to reschedule.
It was a very difficult decision, but in the end we felt that God truly guided this choice. This verse in Isaiah has been on my mind this week.

Isaiah 55

I don’t know God’s reasoning for the timing of these kinds of things. It seems like stinky timing to me. I want to have the biopsy and make sure I am healthy to care for my baby… but I also want so desperately to care for that baby. It’s not as if we are the only foster parents out there, I just know that God is working in our lives through this process and a journey, and when we began I promised God I would not chicken out. I am committed to showing love to others and I will continue taking steps forward, even if I am scared.  I know this isn’t backing out or letting God down because I truly feel that he guided our choice. still…. I think about that sweet little squish every day and hope that she is getting all the love and snuggles she deserves from her current foster parents.

- admin

Ninjas

Chris and I basically become ninjas each night right before going to bed. We take care of some last minute things (take Baxter out, make lunches, set out clothes. .. the usual), then meet at the top of the stairs in front of Charlotte’s room. There, we begin ‘stealth mode’ and slowly open her door, walk in, and stand for a few minutes just watching her sleep. I may be a looney toon for even admitting this (though I have a feeling quite a few of you do this too),  but when we take a moment each day to allow ourselves to just be in awe of her little life it helps us maintain perspective.  No matter how many screams, or hits, or diva-licious looks I’ve gotten that day, seeing her all snuggly in a state of peace and calm recharges this most fierce love that I have for her. I need this moment. She needs me to have this moment each night so I can be the best mom possible the next day.
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Occasionally she will roll over or stir, causing us to go into a silent panic and bump into each other as we scramble for the door. She rarely wakes up, and even then. .. so worth it.

- admin

On to the next chapter.

So as some of you may already know, our little foster squish’s custody was awarded to someone else today during a hearing, effective immediately. It was as huge a surprise to us as it was to our case worker, as she had anticipated him staying in our care for at least 6 months. And so this morning I began packing up some things for him {clothing, formula, diapers, etc}. Because of the generosity of all of our friends and family, I was able to send him off with diapers, a diaper bag, blankets, clothing, and enough formula for a month {it will be up to his guardians to supply formula without aid from WIC or until they are able to apply for WIC, and because I don’t know their personal ability to provide for him I wanted to make sure we gave him as much as we could}.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry. I did. But in all honesty, I am not sad. Really, I’m not. I love that little squish, but God really helped me prepare my heart for this exact moment. Every day since we brought him home from the hospital I have had the same thought running through my mind: ‘you are providing for him until someone else can’.  And today, that ‘someone else’ will begin caring for him. The hard part for me will be wondering if ‘they’re doing things right’. Do they swaddle him correctly? Do they know he likes to burp after each ounce? Don’t wait until 2 ounces!! Will they give him tummy time? Who knows! Well, God knows. And I cannot let myself worry about things that are out of my control. Continued prayers for him are appreciated… if you’re the prayin’ type.
Here are Charlotte’s thoughts on our visitor {ha, she’s a phony, saying ‘no’ to everything…. she LOVED that baby!}

As for Chris and I, we are excited. Excited for a full night’s sleep, excited to clean our house this weekend, and excited to take on the next kiddo in need {though I am praying for a little down-time in between placements}.
Personally, I’m excited to have only 1 diaper bag to pack, 1 child to load in the car, 1 child to feed on demand… for a little while, at least.
Thank you again to everyone who continues to support us. If you are a mama who generously let me borrow clothing, it will be coming back to you shortly. If you are a mama who generously donated clothing or formula or diapers, you helped provide for a kiddo in need in a big way. Regardless, all of y’all are living out scripture. Yay for showing love through actions!
“If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? 18 Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.     1 John 3:17-18

- admin

I'm in time-out.

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Well, it happened.
Chris put me in time-out. He made me pack up the laptop and drive to Panera to order something yummy while I sat at the computer to finish the previous post on fostering. He didn’t give me a choice. I don’t know if you all have a husband like that? One who is forcefully generous and compassionate? It’s really annoying. How dare he.
Maybe it was the barking dog. or the crying baby. or the other crying baby. or the zombie feeling from not getting enough sleep. or the to-do list running through my head {get pictures developed, find child care, make eye appointment, return library books. seriously, return library books. no time to write it on the to-do list}. or maybe it was the indigestion. or the 20 toddler books scattered on the floor. or thread unraveling the sleeve of my favorite shirt.
it could have been any one of those things that did me in. regardless, there I was, standing over the washing machine with ‘poop hands’ {I had just finished cleaning some of Charlotte’s cloth diapers}, crying and yammering on to Chris about how I’d only been able to write ONE line in my blog post in the past FOUR hours of trying to finish it.
Sad, right? It happens to us all, so don’t feel bad if you cried over ‘poop hands’ today too.
As soon as I’d gotten the tears out I felt exponentially better. It’s a halloween miracle! but Chris was set in his decision. I still feel a bit guilty, leaving him alone in the same house that brought me to the breaking point. Thank you God for giving me this husband to ‘do life’ with. There is no one better.