I’ve never been known for my easy breezy ability to say ‘no’. it’s such a teeny little word, you’d think it would be easier to say. My beloved husband is, fortunately, very much unlike me. He has the ability to think objectively about everything and is never fearful of that little ‘no’ word.
This week, though, I did say ‘no’ {with a little prompting}. We got a call from DHS Monday morning asking if we were available to take in another baby. another fresh squish. My heart’s first response was yes! I’m sure it will always be yes. After speaking with Chris, though, I realized our thoughts were very different in this particular situation. Chris was saying no. and for a good reason.
Several months ago my nephrologist {kidney doctor} recommended a kidney biopsy for me following all of my postpartum hypertension and kidney issues after delivering Charlotte {you can read about that experience here and here}. Unfortunately, none of the preliminary ‘non-invasive’ testing had given any clues as to exactly why my kidneys are failing; my doctor recommended a biopsy to investigate further. I am not of the “investigative medicine for medicine’s sake” mindset and there is no true urgency as my kidney function is stable, but “sooner rather than later and absolutely before you think about having another baby” were my doctor’s words to me. We had planned on scheduling it for mid October but postponed once we took in our first Squish. Once he left, we decided to plan the biopsy for mid November.
When Chris and I spoke Monday morning to discuss whether or not we should take in this next squish, Chris’ thoughts were that we needed to continue with the biopsy and take care of my health needs before taking in any more foster kiddos. Of course, that was not what I wanted to hear. We decided to take an hour to pray about it separately. Less than 5 minutes later I received another call from the social worker, offering me more information about this particular baby. I told her about Chris’ concerns and the need for a biopsy and she actually convinced me that we needed to not  take this baby and continue with our plans instead of postponing the biopsy again. According to my doctor, the biopsy would entail an overnight stay in the hospital, 72 hours of no activity, then 2 weeks of no lifting. Not the easiest thing to recover from when you have a 14 month old, and probably impossible if we took in a newborn as well. If we had taken in this newborn, we would have had to reschedule.
It was a very difficult decision, but in the end we felt that God truly guided this choice. This verse in Isaiah has been on my mind this week.

I don’t know God’s reasoning for the timing of these kinds of things. It seems like stinky timing to me. I want to have the biopsy and make sure I am healthy to care for my baby… but I also want so desperately to care for that baby. It’s not as if we are the only foster parents out there, I just know that God is working in our lives through this process and a journey, and when we began I promised God I would not chicken out. I am committed to showing love to others and I will continue taking steps forward, even if I am scared.  I know this isn’t backing out or letting God down because I truly feel that he guided our choice. still…. I think about that sweet little squish every day and hope that she is getting all the love and snuggles she deserves from her current foster parents.