Mamas. I see you. All of you.
healthy mamas. sick mamas. single mamas. working mamas. foster mamas. grandma mamas. lonely mamas. birth mamas. teacher mamas. happily-married mamas. teen mamas. heartbroken mamas. brave mamas. aunt mamas. grieving mamas. elderly mamas. hope-to-be mamas. soon-to-be mamas. desperate-to-be mamas. aren’t-able-to-hold-their-baby mamas. ashamed mamas. adoptive mamas. extra-needs-kiddo mamas. overwhelmed mamas. sleep-deprived-brand-new mamas. fierce mamas. struggling-to-bond-with-their-baby mamas. social-worker mamas. NICU mamas. Neighbor mamas. Soccer mamas.
All who mother in one capacity or another are honored this Mother’s Day. Each one of us walks a different motherhood path, and it is absolutely necessary for us to approach one another with love and grace at the forefront. Some of us mamas may be struggling this weekend. Possibly because our mama path involves heartache or painful experiences.
This weekend, Will’s first mama is on my mind and heart. To be completely honest, she is always on my mind. I think when two women mother the same human they are connected in the most unique, heart-binding way. I can’t ever express to her how grateful I am that she chose life for her son. I don’t want to share too many details, because that is her life and her story to tell, but I know she LOVES William and not having the chance to raise him was not her choice. She is God’s creation. He loves her. He grieves when she grieves. So I love her and I grieve when she grieves. I know she is grieving this weekend and I am heartbroken over that fact. It is an impossible situation to bring clarity to and to process in your mind and heart: I am totally obsessed with and completely in love with my son, whose first mother is also completely in love with him yet doesn’t get to see him or hold his chubby hand or kiss his squishy cheeks. Yet together, we are motherhood.
So let’s not assume all mothers feel loved and appreciated this mother’s day. Throw LOVE around like confetti. Be a bringer of grace to those who need it. Look around your neighborhood, family, school, church, and workplace. Who can you identify that might not be celebrating this mother’s day with joy and cheer? Wade into their grief or sadness or shame to meet them. You don’t have to have the perfect words to say and it’s best not to come crashing in with suggestions and solutions, simply acknowledge that they are seen and loved.
We see you mamas! We know today is a hard day but we acknowledge you and your struggle, and more importantly, God sees you and your struggle. He is the HOPE dealer. The JOY bringer. The SHAME eraser. The HEART healer. and you may feel like you are done with breathing, but God is literally the LIFE breather. And if you’re feeling like your experience as a mama, in whatever capacity you’ve performed, is more like a #momfail rather than a #momwin, rest assured that there is nothing you can do or have done to you that can wreck your life so badly that God can’t still mend you and use you in beautiful ways.
Every mama, I see you.
Adoption
Foster Care Truths: There is no 'winning'
Some of you may have read this post before; I’m re-posting it after making a few edits. It’s too important not to share again, especially since I know it may help change the perspective of so many people regarding foster care and because I have even more of an excuse to talk about ‘all things foster care’ during foster care awareness month.
In 2016, after our son Will had been in our home through foster care approximately 18 months, his biological parents signed an entrustment {basically signing over their rights to him, placing him into the state’s care and kicking off the adoption process for him}. It was honestly the most brave, selfless act.
That day, and then following the entrustment’s approval in court later on, we got so many congratulations. They ran the gamut from “He is so lucky to have you” to “Thank God he gets to stay with you”. And all of those are true, I think. We are able to provide a safer environment for him and God has provided us with more resources for helping him grow and succeed with his disabilities. And I was incredibly happy to be one step closer to having Will be a permanent part of our family.
I can’t express to you the relief I felt after those papers were signed. The adoption wouldn’t be finalized for almost 10 more months, so I didn’t have true closure, but any progress after months and years of being in limbo begins to lift that invisible burden of worry and anxiety that comes with constantly living in the ‘unknown’ with one of your children. Though I felt relief and we received so much support and love and encouragement… I could not enjoy the happy congratulatory phrases. I had such conflicting feelings battling inside.
Outwardly, I was happy and celebrating in the fact that Will was moving towards permanency with our family. Inwardly, I was mourning. I was mourning for him because he would be losing the potential for connection with the people who gave him life. I was mourning for his parents because they were losing their son. I think when you aren’t an active part of this process, it is easy to view the foster care situation in terms of “us” (the foster parents) and “them” (the birth parents). But I can’t see it that way. And we shouldn’t. It is not a case of us winning and them losing. There is no winning.
I’d been battling these conflicting feelings for a while and unsure of exactly how to express them when I came across this post from Humans of Foster Care. It captured my feelings exactly:
“Terminating parental rights is a very serious thing, and even when it is best interest of the child, or requested by the child, it doesn’t make it any easier.
NO ONE WON TODAY. There were NO “winners” in that courtroom today. No one cheered at the outcome. No one was excited. There was no joy. It was a somber day for all involved. Everyone knew what today meant and it weighed heavy on all of us in the room.
Parents walked out without a child.
A child, no matter the age, walked out without a parent.
There were no winners today.
Today was tragic. Today was hard. I am sad in my heart tonight for all parties because I am human.”
– from Humans Of Foster Care facebook page
There is joy in the process of foster care and adoption. There is joy in our own personal story of foster care and adoption. There is happiness and relief and hope for Will’s future. But God calls us to also share in the sorrowful burden his birth parents are carrying, and only God can provide true healing and peace for all parties.
Today, I hope you’ll take a minute to re-frame your perspective on parents who lose their rights or choose to give up their children to another family.
Please pray for first families. Pray for siblings who may never know one another. Pray for birth parents who may be feeling shame, embarrassment, anger, or loss. They do not win.
Then take it a step further and include all social workers, attorney’s, and judges involved in these types of situations as they make the most difficult decisions that impact so many lives and futures. They do not win.
Next, pray for foster families . Those who take someone else’s child into their home and love on them through painful times. They do not win.
I want to touch on one more thing, since it relates to foster families and how we interact with biological families.
It is sometimes very easy to fall into that mindset of ‘us’ vs ‘them’, particularly if the agency and courts and attorneys subscribe to that mindset as well.
One of my biggest regrets in all our foster care adventures over the years happened with Will’s biological parents. I had the opportunity to come along side Will’s birth mother and father and show my support for them during an important meeting and I didn’t. Now, don’t get me wrong, we did support them and provide them with as much encouragement and love every opportunity we got. Except for this one time. I was intimidated because we were in a big meeting. There were social workers and attorneys and all sorts of people present. It was my first time experiencing this type of meeting; I didn’t know what to expect and I was unsure of the social guidelines. So I chose to play it safe and fall in line with the general atmosphere of the room, sitting across the table from Will’s mother and father even though my heart was screaming at me to snatch my chair up, drag it over to their side of the table, and plop my heinie in it so I could be WITH them during this big meeting. Instead, I sat across from them; which from my perspective seemed more like ‘against them’ rather than simply across from them. I can’t even imagine what it looked like from their perspective. All I know is that because I made the choice to cast aside all boldness and ignore my heart, I sat in awkward fear, which meant I couldn’t comfort Will’s birth mother when she began crying. I couldn’t let them know that someone was WITH them and FOR them. I may not support their lifestyle or their choices, but I DO absolutely support them as humans, whom God created and loves. I support them as Will’s parents who gave him life and love him.
It was one missed opportunity, and yet I still think about it. I’m grateful for the experience though, because now I know better. When we know better, we do better, and there are so many chances we are given to change our own perspective and the perspective of others regarding foster care and the relationship between biological parents and foster parents. There is no winning in these situations. There is no ‘us’ vs. ‘them’. There is only protecting and loving and supporting all parties involved. Easier said than done for us as humans, but God is able and willing. He will heal and mend. It is who He is and what He does.
Boy Meets World {now World, meet Boy}
Every morning Charlie asks me: “Is his name Baker yet?”
And every morning I tell her: “Not yet, they are still working on all of his important paperwork.”
But today, when she asks, we’ll get to tell her “YES. His name is Baker now!”
We’re happy to finally share his precious face with you all.
Our sweet, silly, giggly William Levi Baker.
Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man
are like arrows in a warrior’s hands.
How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!Psalm 127:3-5
Dear Will,
We give God thanks for every single day with you. You are SO loved. Not only by God and hundreds of family and friends, but TWO mommies and TWO daddies. God’s protective hand has been covering you since before you even drew your first breath. He has big plans for you, little Peep. You are an arrow, shaped and formed with a specific plan already designed for your amazing life. As much as I want to hold you tight and never let go, I know we have been given a special task. Our task, as your parents, is not for us to ‘collect you’ in our quiver, but for us to train you to travel a straight path when you are older. A path that includes wisdom, kindness, generosity, genuine love for others, and love for God.
Xoxo,
Mommy & Daddy
Awesome photo cred goes to my sweet friend Holly @ Shutterly Sweet Photography.
Peep's Day.
Today is an important day. It’s the anniversary of the day I first learned of a special little baby. I heard his name. I heard his age. And that was about all the information we were given.
Caseworker: “We have a 2 week old”
Me: “Ok, let me call Chris”
Me: “Babe, we got a call. A 2 week old”
Chris: “Ok” {such a Chris response. Simple. To the point.}
Me: {faking a calm demeanor on the phone with the caseworker like it’s no big deal} “Ok, we can do it”
Caseworker: “I’ll bring him by in an hour”
That’s essentially how it happens each time we have a placement. So simple, and yet so not simple at all.
And then there he was. Peep.
I don’t remember eating dinner that night. Newborn snuggles were enough to sustain me.
Not knowing whether a placement will stay the weekend or stay forever is emotionally fatiguing. Regardless, I always feel this instant need to connect with them as soon as they arrive and savor their little breaths. I’m desperate to attempt to absorb all of the heavy weight which seems to surround their little life like an unseen burden. I don’t usually know the actual story {that often comes later in bits and pieces}, but i’m not required to know the facts before bestowing unconditional love and safety on a child. So many unknowns in the beginning. So many questions. But the one sure constant is that their life is precious and my job is to savor it and protect it, all while honoring the birth parents who gave that child life. My heart instantly marks each ‘first contact’ with one of our placements so clearly, like a bookmark, and I often revisit those memories. I love revisiting that bookmark in my mind and praying for that child. For their health and safety and family and for them to know God. It’s all I have left to remember some of them, and those memories are so special to me.
Peep’s ‘first contact’ day holds great importance for our family and we will always celebrate it; but not in the way you may think.
I know a lot of families who celebrate a ‘gotcha day’. A day to commemorate the day they first met their child in an orphanage or at social services or the day the adoption papers were finalized. There’s quite a bit of controversy out there regarding the terminology used in ‘gotcha day’ and surrounding the idea of celebrating that day. I hate to be blunt, but I don’t really care enough to dip my toe into that drama pool. I’ll steer clear of the debate about whether or not celebrating ‘gotcha day’ is helpful or harmful. I follow the mindset that each family should do what is best and right for the children in their family. You. Do. You. Because YOU know your family. You know your adopted child or foster child and know what would be beneficial to them and what would be harmful to them.
As important as today day is for me, though, I can’t seem to gather up any cheer to actually celebrate it with a fun party, because I know the story. I know most of the who and what and why that resulted in Peep being separated from his birth parents. And I’ve been an observer to their struggle through social programs and treatment requirements and visitations. As much joy as I feel at having him in our home, I’m reminded that his presence here means he’s unable to be there. In their home. In their arms. I. Can’t. Imagine.
I’ll always feel this way about foster care:
There is joy in this process. There is happiness and relief and hope for Peep’s future. But God calls us to also share in the sorrowful burden his birth parents are carrying, and only God can provide true healing and peace for all parties. I hope you’ll take a minute to pray for that for Peep’s birth parents; and then take it a step further and include all parents, kids, social workers, attorney’s, and judges involved in these types of situations.
Though I wouldn’t label my feelings as ‘happy’, there is JOY in this day. So we WILL celebrate this day as Peep’s day, in which we honor his story and all those who played a part in his life. His birth parents and his social workers and his therapists and his teachers and his nannies and his family and all of the people who are the pillars of love and support in his life. And him. We will celebrate him and the obstacles he continues to overcome. And though I can’t bring myself to cheer about the fact that we ‘got’ him, I will bask in the joy that I feel in being his mother and the grace that God has bestowed on Chris and I throughout our parenting journey, and the wonder of being trusted with another precious life.
Happy Peep’s day to all! We’re going to spend the day filling out the first round of adoption papers and reminiscing as we look at our photo albums and praying for Peep’s continued development and praying for his birth mom and dad.
