February 18, 2015 - Oh Happy Daze

"She just woke up from her nap" and other excuses I make for my daughter's social anxiety

Y’all, I’ve been dealing with some anxiety. It entered my life about 2.5 years ago. It walks around in the form of a pint sized human. Its name is Charlotte.
If you know Charlie, then you know she can run pretty hot & cold. She doesn’t hide her emotions, and there are oh so many emotions flowing around in that 25 lb toddler. What you see on Facebook isn’t always what you get in ‘real life’. For example…

One-on-one with mommy before the doctor comes in

(even with raging pink eye):

After the doctor comes in:

I’m sure you’ve experienced it when interacting with her. Some times you get smiles and giggles. Many times you get the icy stare. The silent treatment. The cold shoulder. Eyes averted, shoulders slumped or head buried in mommy’s coat. Nobody is safe from it; even daddy receives this reaction sometimes. I usually explain away her behavior with comments like “She’s shy”, “She’s so dramatic”, “She’s two”, or “It’s almost nap time”.
I’d be lying if I said her reservation in social situations didn’t bother me. We all want our children to be outgoing, friendly, polite…. happy. My first response to her unwillingness to interact with others is usually to cringe. I fear, selfishly, that her silence will be perceived as rudeness and her failure to return a wave, answer a question, or even smile at someone is a reflection on my parenting skills. I’m slowly learning, though, that it has nothing to do with my parenting and everything to do with my little one’s ability to cope cope with stressors in her environment. It’s not an intentional reaction from her. It’s not rudeness. It’s not disobedience. It’s not unfriendliness. It is so much more than that.
– In the grocery store, it’s the fearful cry and scramble up my leg when another person starts pushing their cart down the same aisle we’re on. buying their groceries. like you do. at a grocery store.
– On the playground, it’s staying frozen on the stairs if another child gets too close.
– It’s startling and covering her ears when someone opens the front door.
– At her grandparent’s house (whom she sees at least twice a week) it’s the refusal to talk to them or give affection until a ‘warming period’ has passed (usually about 30 minutes).
– In the carpool line at school it’s remaining stoic while the teacher puts her in her car seat, only to come to life and joyfully tell me she had a boogie on her finger as soon as the car door is shut.
– It’s confidence changing abruptly to silence when someone addresses her directly.
I’ve always been confused with her ability to flutter between playful and isolated, between conversational dominance and suddenly refusing interactions altogether. I didn’t understand why she would demonstrate this uber social, outgoing, verbal character at home or in the car with me, but lock it down as soon as the environment or company changed. “It’s just a stage” I’ve heard. And part of it still most likely is. She’s only two. She behaves like a two year old. My mom instincts have been kicking in though, and they let me know this is a bit more than being ‘just two’. I’d be doing her a disservice as her parent if I just let it go and see what happens. I’ve personally struggled with anxiety a little bit throughout my teenage-adult years; occasional therapy to talk it out and coping strategies to work it out have helped me greatly. There are things I can do now to help her so she can cope independently later on. I’ve been educating myself so I can guide her as wisely as possible.
All children have some stranger anxiety. And separation anxiety is normal at various ages and stages of development. Kids get overwhelmed. They get tired and cranky. They don’t always ‘perform’ in front of others. And this is all normal, to an extent. Children have various temperaments – combinations of characteristics including activity level, adaptability, mood, emotional responses, sensory thresholds, etc. A ‘slow to warm-up’ temperament is not a negative thing, and research actually shows it may also indicate stronger resistance to peer-pressure in the later years. The ‘slow to warm-up’ child typically watches from the sidelines and eases in to interacting with peers and adults at their own pace. That’s Charlotte to a T.
What’s becoming more evident to me, though, is that Charlotte’s ‘slow to warm-up’ temperament is coupled with some true toddler anxiety; it shows itself as hives when we go to the doctor, scratching and pulling at her skin when nervous, night terrors, and extreme emotional responses to things {usually tears and melting into a puddle on the floor} in which she’s difficult to calm down. She’s easily frustrated when things aren’t perfect {her fork won’t stab the blueberry, her hand has a smudge of yogurt on it, her pajama zipper is up too high}; and this mixed with some tactile sensitivities often results in tears or shut-down. At home with us she is the silliest, most talkative, and creative kiddo. Very few people get to witness that side of her. Her affection is not easily won by outsiders {meaning anyone but mom, dad, or our doggy Baxter}. And I don’t want to change that about her. But I do want to learn as much as I can about her anxious tendencies so I can help her. Parenting strategies are not ‘one size fits all’ and our actions now will either strengthen her anxious responses to stressful situations or strengthen her self-confidence and coping skills to deal with various stressful situations. I’d prefer the latter. I’d also prefer to just give her a shirt that says “please give me time to warm up”, but I can’t, so instead I’m using these guidelines to help me help her:
1. Hold her.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with holding your child for comfort {or allowing them to cling to your leg}. It’s not coddling them. It’s not feeding into a weakness. It’s not reflecting poorly on you as a parent. It is providing them with a safe, comforting place from which to observe their surroundings, study who is around, what is going on, and allows them to safely begin interactions at their own pace. This is the one I struggle with the most; I think I assume she should continue to be confident and independent in all situations just like she is at home. That’s not the case and I can’t force her to be comfortable in all situations. But I can comfort her and encourage her.
2. Pick my battles.
If eating broccoli is stressful and being at a birthday party is stressful, then I will not make her eat broccoli while at a birthday party. We’ll save that for a day at home around the kitchen table. What kind of sick people have broccoli at a birthday party anyway?!
3. Model appropriate social behavior and language.
This one is something I feel I’ve been doing with her since birth since that is what I get paid to do {ahem, my business}, but you can never ‘over-do’ it when it comes to modeling appropriate language and behaviors. For example: A friend comes over for a play-date. Friend says “here Charlotte you have this truck”. Charlotte looks away and ignores him. I model “Thank you for sharing!” or “No thank you”, as well as the appropriate body language for a friendly interaction. I also speak directly to her – “It’s ok if you don’t want that truck” or “I bet we could find another truck and have a race with him”. Then demonstrate playing with said friend. It may seem silly if you aren’t used to that type of over-exaggerated role play, but it can go a long way with helping a kiddo who isn’t able to ‘use their words’ or isn’t exactly thinking of how their ‘social avoidance’ is coming across to their peer.
4. Distract her.
The more she feels the attention on her, the more she will avoid interactions. When in a place that Charlotte is not comfortable {i.e.: anywhere but home for the most part} Chris and I focus on play or engaging in a familiar activity to help alleviate anxiety and reduce the amount of attention placed on her. Chase, I spy, tickles, offer a snack… all serve to distract her, break the ice a little, and show her that this is a safe, fun place and she can enjoy herself.
5. Maintain Routines.
Sometimes she is ‘just tired’ or ‘just hungry’ and for her those needs outweigh the need to maintain social norms by interacting with others. I can help her by not scheduling appointments or activities during nap time and making sure I have food to offer her when she gets ‘hangry’ {anger due to hunger = hangry}.
6. Allow her to respond in her own time and in her own way.
Kids are cute and whenever we run into someone in the outside world {even strangers}, the attention is usually on Charlotte. People touch her, they ask her questions, they get too close … they do what comes naturally when interacting with kids. I’m not saying I’m going to stop people from interacting with her, but I am going to stop feeling bad about her reluctance to interact with them. I usually fight an inner ‘cringe’ moment when she gives a blank stare in return to someone’s friendly greeting. I take it personally when she doesn’t respond in a friendly manner to other people, as if it’s a slap in the face to my parenting skills and my ability to teach my child manners. So I usually give one of the excuses I mentioned before and hope for a better response from her next time. I’m going to stop putting that pressure on her {and on myself}.
7. Give her options and don’t take it personally.
Instead of forcing a particular response {i.e.: “Say hi to ____”}, I’ll suggest appropriate options {“Would you like to say Hi or wave?”}. As adults we gauge the depth of our relationships with one another by the interactions we have {If I kiss you on the lips, we’re married. If I throw a casual wave, you’re just a friend. If I begin to ignore your questions or move to the other side of the room, that’s signals that I don’t really want to interact with you… and maybe you smell}. We can’t hold our interactions with children to the same standards, though. If Charlotte doesn’t run to you for a hug or won’t laugh at your tickles, it’s not a personal snub or rejection. It may have nothing to do with you at all! She may be overwhelmed, the room may be too noisy, or she may just be processing her environment. She adores her daddy, but sometimes isn’t able to cuddle with him as soon as he gets home from work {no matter how much he would love that!}. He knows to give her some space and she will eventually initiate play with him. Something my mom loves to say to Charlotte is “Do you have a hug for me”? – that’s a very low pressure way of ‘asking’ for a hug, but allows Charlotte to choose, and many times it’s ‘no’, which is okay! If we attempt to force an interaction she actually seems to take longer to warm up to an environment than if we just let her go at her own pace from the moment we arrive.
8. Praise her.
This is sort of a no-brainer, but it’s important for Chris and I to encourage and praise Charlotte’s social interactions. “I love the way you showed that lady how old you were by holding up 2 fingers”, “You were so brave sliding down that slide with a friend”, “I’m glad you gave Lola a hug, that made her feel so happy”.
Chris and I are working on being more supportive of Charlotte’s emotional needs; whether it’s her ‘just being two’, her ‘slow to warm up’ temperament, or something more; our efforts in helping Charlotte develop the skills to process stressful situations are hopefully laying the groundwork of bravery, self confidence, and self esteem she’ll need later on to build friendships and enjoy life’s interactions, not suffer through them.

July 16, 2014 - Oh Happy Daze

Screen Time, and why we don't allow it.

Charlotte has discovered her sweet spot in the house – when standing in the far corner of the large back door she can look into our neighbor’s house and watch their 60 inch television ’til her heart’s content. Very sneaky kiddo, very sneaky. She is a bit starved for television these days now that she actually knows what it is, but Chris and I are standing firm with our goal of not letting her watch television until after her 2nd birthday. She’s already starting with the negotiations, though: “mommy, I watch tv… one minute”. I resist giving in to her little plea every time, and here’s why:
It’s no secret that our society today is driven by technology, and that doesn’t just apply to adults. I am constantly within arms reach of my phone and, as a result, it didn’t take Charlotte very long to recognize that phones were important. I don’t think there’s a child alive in the US that hasn’t seen a television, phone, iPad, or movie; I’d bet most kiddos encounter all of those numerous times a day. In the US, almost 90% of infants and toddlers are exposed to TV programs before they turn 2 and by age 3 almost 1/3 have a television in their room {source,source}. Frankly, that’s startling.
Now before I go any further I don’t want you to think I’m putting on my judgmental hat or that I sit here on my hoity toity throne dishing out advice I gained from all my awesome parenting experiences. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m new at this. I only have 1 child whom I have parented for all of 23 months so far {even less, since the first months are more about keeping the fresh baby alive and less about shaping them to become an awesome human being}. I do, however, consider myself a kid professional: previously a preschool teacher, swim and gymnastics instructor, tutor, babysitter, and now a pediatric speech therapist.Please read this post in its entirety; I’m just like you, I skim through some blogs and form my opinion based on the phrases and power words I gleaned. I think this post may brush some nerves, though, and I don’t want someone walking away with the wrong idea. Parenting choices are always a difficult topic to approach, but I’m feeling quite brave tonight so let’s dive in.
I am so thankful I recently (about 2 years ago) stumbled upon several articles that offered some interesting information which confronted most of my previous assumptions about babies and toddlers watching television. Previously I was in the same mindset as most other parents out there: “TV is ok as long as the shows are educational”. I am writing this today, as both a mother and a pediatric speech language pathologist, to provide you with the same information I stumbled across so you can then make your own educated decision. I’m not quite sure how this research about television viewing and kids has not become part of the mainstream parenting mindset, other than that there may be some big corporations who make big money on children’s television programming at work keeping things under wraps. That, and the simple fact that television + children = quiet. Quiet means moms and dads and caregivers are able to do what they want or need to do without distraction. Quiet is good, tv quiet is really good and, I’m just going to come right out and say it…. quiet is easy. I’m sorry if that feels like a sucker punch, but it’s not like this is new information. Turning on the television to entertain a child is easy. Don’t be mad, really, I am not saying this to make anyone feel guilty. There are a million reasons why people let their children watch television/movies, and not all of them are selfish ‘because I need you kids to be quiet’ reasons. I have a feeling that some of you set your wee little babe in front of the tv simply because that’s what everyone else does. Or maybe you are just in the habit of keeping the tv on in the background all day for yourself? Let’s look at some research {I never thought I’d be saying that}.
When Charlie was still a fresh baby {maybe 1 month old?} I came across an article from the American Academy of Pediatrics recommending no television/movie time for children under the age of 2 (source). I was honestly really shocked. I mean, what about all those Baby Einstein videos?! Aren’t they for, ya know…. babies? I was confused, so I did some more digging. As it turns out, there is quite a bit of research out there regarding the negative impact of television viewing and babies/toddlers. But not in the way you may think:

“Infants’ attraction to screens is driven by the visual-orienting reflex. Our brains our wired to respond to novelty, especially bright colors, loud sounds, and flashing lights. This is basically a startle reflex, and it accounts for why infants stare at video screens. It does not mean they are enjoying the stimulation- rather, they are slaves to their own reflexes and actually do not have the control to look away. This can actually be stressful to infants, and may have harmful effects on a developing brain that has not evolved to tolerate all this stimulation…”

{source}

So basically, if our babies are ‘captivated by’ a specific show, it truly has little to do with the content, and more to do with their little brain reflexes on overdrive. Their startle reflex is being triggered over and over and over again, their brain unable to relax or shut down. This has big implications for the success of a child’s brain development in those first few years of life. Several recent studies outline numerous negative effects of screen-time in babies and excessive screen-time in children: sleep problems, obesity, decreased ability to concentrate, delayed language acquisition, reduced creative play, reduced problem solving skills… and on and on (source, source). The captivating reflex aside, research has not been able to support the idea that children under 2 glean information from shows deemed ‘educational’ (source), so even if it wasn’t harmful, it isn’ helpful either.

Unstructured play time is more valuable for the developing brain than electronic media. Children learn to think creatively, problem solve, and develop reasoning and motor skills at early ages through unstructured, unplugged play. Free play also teaches them how to entertain themselves.

(source)

The American Academy of Pediatrics also recommends less than 2 hours a day of screen time for older children (source), since there is a negative correlation between the hours a child watches television and their reading skills (source). Regardless, the time a child spends watching television is time taken away from them engaging in other, more cognitive enriching activities.
I’ll be the first to say I haven’t parented long enough to see how this ‘no tv under age 2’ thing plays out when an older sibling is already allowed to watch television. I’d imagine it’s difficult, but I also know it can be done {i’ve experimented by borrowing my nephews, ages 7 and 4}. Here’s the thing about toddlers under age 2 – they nap. And it’s wonderful. Charlotte and I have gotten into a pretty good routine: she goes down for a nap, I grab a snack and turn on my guilty pleasure show {I can’t even bring myself to type it}, she wakes up, I turn off the television and go get her out of bed. It’s the perfect check and balance system because the beginning and end times for television are set and regulated by a tiny monster sleeping upstairs. Afternoons can’t be wasted away with me lying on a pile of unfolded laundry in front of the television. There is a small window of opportunity for glorious tv viewing and once she wakes up it’s over. and sometimes it’s annoying {not gonna lie, sometimes I roll my eyes…. hard}. and there have been so many times I’ve just wanted to snuggle up on the couch and show her the Lion King and see her reaction to all the animals {the zebra seems to be her fav at the moment}. but I resist. mostly out of principle. I’ve made it 23 months without letting her watch television or movies. I can make it one more month. And once she is 2 we won’t let it be a TV free-for-all. We will continue to follow the guidelines recommended by the AAP {1-2 hours a day of high quality content only source), we may even offer less.
Now, you may be thinking that because I don’t let Charlotte watch television I probably have to lay on the floor and play with her all day long or she’d have nothing to do. but I don’t. I can’t. I would go mad. I have been very impressed with Charlotte’s development {her creative play, her ability to entertain herself, her ridiculous vocabulary, and mostly her language development}. I have seen the benefits of allowing free, unstructured play that requires creativity and active participation as opposed to the passive participation television requires of us. I also know that Charlotte has watched television under the care of other people {even my own husband admitted to letting her play a wildly stimulating alphabet game on his phone}. And that’s ok. And she has survived folks! But I’m calling all parents to truly think about what their child is gaining from television that they couldn’t gain from a conversation with us or play with a peer or even play by themselves…. the answer is nothing (and I know that because I’m a speech therapist. that’s what I do in life).
Since that was a ridiculously long post, here’s a recap:

AAP recommends no tv before age 2, after age 2 they recommend <2 hours a day of high-quality (read ‘educational’) programming
Any videos/shows geared towards babies are actually not best for baby
If your child seems ‘glued to the tv’ it’s because THEY ARE, thanks to a startling reflex triggered by the screen. aka: not good
Negative correlation (one incidence raises as the other lowers) between tv watching and reading skills, attention skills, ability to problem solve, creative play, and language acquisition.
Positive correlation (one raises, the other raises) between tv watching and obesity and sleep issues.
Not allowing Charlotte to watch television has helped curb my appetite for tv/movies (it’s not totally gone, but definitely diminished), and I am more productive throughout the day without TV being an option to distract me.
No television program/movie/app can deliver more educational/fundamental information for development than a warm, talking human being {at least while a kiddo is young. Once Charlotte starts asking me what the square root of 8,945 is or how many different types of kangaroos there are I’m sending her straight to the Discovery channel and a computer}

Are there ways you can begin implementing reduced television/movie/iPad/phone times in your home? Now is the best time to start; let’s not wait until more research comes to light in 10 years touting the negative effects of screen time on entire families. I think everyone can benefit from unplugging and connecting face to face.
mmmkay, are we still friends? Oh I hope so!

October 13, 2013 - admin

A quick update on Charlotte

This video pretty much sums it up.
“outta my way you goose. who put that there? don’t ‘dude’ me you long haired yahoo”.
I’m pretty sure Charlotte said those exact words to me today. in church. it may have sounded like simple screams and yells to an innocent bystander, but i know what she was really saying. the poor girl is mad at the world right now. and always hungry.
hungry all the time + angry all the time = hangry
told you it was quick. no time to elaborate, i’ve got a 1 year old melting down at my feet and no snickers in the house. womp womp.

September 8, 2013 - admin

Charlie Grace is 12 months old

Charlotte is now 12 months old {I prefer to label her age in months and will continue to do so as long as I can in an effort to ignore the fact that she is, in fact, getting older}.

At 12 months, Charlotte:

Weighs 17 lbs {10th percentile}, is 27 inches long {42nd percentile}
Is beginning to take a few wobbly steps {though as I’m finally writing this, she is practically running now}
Is learning to turn around backwards to climb down stairs/off ledges
Can feed herself with a spoon {though prefers her hands} and is now refusing to be fed anything via spoon by mommy or daddy and will turn her head away if we try {I just want to keep her clothes clean, is that too much to ask??}
Loves to give her baby doll hugs, particularly when others are watching and applauding… such a little performer… though once she get’s an ‘awww’ from mommy, baby is thrown to the floor. We’ll work on that.
Says: hi, bye bye, daddy, up, all done, thank you, ball, baby, balloon, book, Baxter {though ball, Baxter, and balloon all sounds the same right now}
Can sign: open, more, eat, please {her favorite right now is ‘please’}
Points to everything, waves to everyone, claps, gives high fives, is learning to give kisses, plays peek-a-boo, and dances to music
Understands and can follow several directions: give it to me, sit down, put in, all done, clean up, don’t touch/no, nice hands/gentle

Here are Charlotte’s 12 month photos, taken by the talented Kelly Lewis.

I made Charlotte’s ‘smash cake’, and I am pretty proud of the end result.

Though I have to be honest, my initial cake trial looked like something from the website Cake Wrecks:

Haha, I am still laughing at my attempt. I was trying to make a giant cupcake, but my efforts to also make the cake healthy and the frosting healthy resulted in a goopy mess. I ended up just using the base of the cake form and opted for peaked frosting instead of trying to smooth it out. To color the frosting I used beet juice {practically odorless and tasteless} to achieve the perfect pink!