May 1, 2018 - Oh Happy Daze

May is gonna be SWEET!

May is kinda the best month ever. Voting’s over. It’s been decided.
There are so many awesome things to celebrate and climb up on a soap-box for in the month of May, and throughout the month I’ll be sharing education, encouragement, and my experiences with all of these things!
It’s like May is MY month (well, mine and Justin Timberlakes).

I couldn’t help myself. I love this meme so much. Also I chose one of the memes that uses a photo of him with curly hair rather than one of his newer photos because A.) If I can’t out-run photo proof of my horrible hair in 1997, neither can he, and B.) solidarity amongst curly hair people, and all that.
Pretty much all of my passions and life experiences have collided into 31 days of ‘awareness’. Not great for being able to spread out my blogging topics, but regardless, I know you’re super excited for me to pour out all my feelings into words. You’re welcome and brace yourselves:

Foster Care awareness month.

This one is near and dear to our hearts, obvi. Will joined our family through foster care over 3 years ago and we’ve had the joy of supporting and loving and nurturing many other children over the years so I am excited to share our foster care journey with you throughout the month.
2. Apraxia Awareness month.

For several different reasons I haven’t shared too much about Will’s various diagnoses here on the blog. I’m ready to share now, though, because knowledge is power and I’m a firm supporter of the “You don’t know what you don’t know” mentality. I think spreading awareness is so important, so we’ll all learn about Childhood Apraxia of Speech and Dyspraxia and allthethings together! When you know better, you do better. It’s gonna be SO fun!
3. Better Speech and Hearing Month.

Some of you may not know, but I am a speech language pathologist. I work here in Southeastern Virginia at our local children’s hospital providing outpatient therapy. How awesome is it that the educational path God guided me towards years ago has created opportunities and experiences that allow me to not only work with my own son and his disabilities, but with every foster child who enters out home?!
4. National Kidney Foundation Kidney walk.

These are held all over the US in various months each year but the one here in Hampton Roads is always in May! We get to celebrate my successful kidney transplant and the gift of life I received from my generous donor, as well as celebrate my mom and her awesome donor (7 years kidney strong!). God provided and he continues to provide for our family.
5. My Birthday! No photo for this. I just didn’t feel like digging up an semi-attractive photo of myself just to take up space. Also this one is pretty self explanatory: my birthday is this month. I want to say ‘I’ll pass’ but it doesn’t seem like it works that way.
I can’t wait to share more about all of my favorite things with you guys! No promises on daily posts or even bi-weekly…. you know how I do. You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. Also, I like to set the bar low so I can soar over it. It’s sound logic, trust me.

February 22, 2018 - Oh Happy Daze

Store Bought Valentines & Parents Who Buy Them.

I know Valentine’s Day was last week and there’s probably Fourth of July decorations already out in the stores. America moves on quickly folks. But I’ve just gotta get these thoughts out there.
If you know me, then you know I love all things crafty. Glitter is my spirit animal and Pinterest is my happy place. Sitting down with some glue and ribbon or some paint and canvas is relaxing. I enjoy making things, and that expression pops up in birthday parties and Christmas gifts and our home decor where I usually start with “I’ll just keep it simple” and end up with “How did paint end up on the ceiling and glitter on my eyelashes?”.
But because life keeps happening and our kids still live here and seem to make all the messes and need all the attention, I can’t always set aside time or mental energy to sit and create something. Even something as simple as printing a valentine card and tying cute glasses to it.

(Isn’t this so cute?)

Click here to find the tutorial and printable.

To all you mamas {and dads} who DO put the time and energy into putting together something fun and creative and personalized:

THANK YOU!

I love you because I love seeing your creative brainchild. You made my daughter say ‘awwww’ and you made me say ‘that is so clever’. Thank you for the time and energy you expended to do the extra bit. To go above the requirement. I commend you. You keep the holiday alive.

However, this post is really about what I want to say to all you mamas {and dads} out there who purchased boxed valentines from a store.
You know the ones I’m talking about. They come in a box and no matter what pen your child uses on them the ink smears and it’s almost impossible to fold them perfectly evenly:

Here’s what I want to say to you parents who buy those:

THANK YOU!

I’m not even kidding.
I love that some parents create Pinterest perfect valentines that are fun or punny or useful {hello glow sticks!}. But I really love those parents who buy boxed valentines for their kids. Seriously, I WANT TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND. You parents who walk into Target on February 13th and toss whatever’s left in the Valentine’s aisle into your cart then walk around for 30 more minutes grabbing a workout DVD you’ll never open and 3 spatulas in Spring colors to add to your already excessive collection.
You know why I love you? Because I am you. I was apparently harboring some worry about what other parents would think when both of my children rolled up to school with these bad boys. Straight outta the box.

It wasn’t that I was ashamed. I mean, look at this chubby kitten. He’s the definition of cute and Will thought it was hilarious.

I think I was having a hard time allowing myself to just check the task off my to-do list without adding any flair or extra work, as is my habit of doing. I embraced the bare minimum. I clung to it. I literally just did what was necessary, nothing more. and that is FINE.
So when my kids came home with several adorable handmade valentines and a TON of boxed valentines I was rejoicing! YES parents. THANK YOU parents. SOLIDARITY and all that. You allowed me to breathe. You allowed me to forgive myself.
Charlie got one valentine that was literally just folded in half. No to/from writing. No sticker. No nothing. and I loved it. I cheered for that mom. You know why? Because she obviously gave her son the box of valentines, a pen, and some independence and told him to ‘get it done’. and he did not. #lifelessons
Cheers. To all parents everywhere who are relieved Valentine’s day is over. Now off to see how little I can do for Saint Patrick’s day.

June 1, 2017 - Oh Happy Daze

How To Be a Good Parent {one easy step}

I was reminded today of the secret to being a good parent. It’s necessary to remind ourselves of this sometimes, lest we become bogged down by all the negative self-talk we indulge in daily. As a parent, we’re constantly filtering through all these outside {and often conflicting} opinions about how we parent. What food we need to be feeding them, the schools we need to be sending them to, the brand of carseat to buy, the iPad app we need to download so they can learn Mandarin. We’re measuring ourselves against these standards, and always coming up short. Or am I the only one? Please tell me I’m not the only one who isn’t hitting the mark in all these areas of parenting!
There are always going to be other parents who do things differently and maybe do it better.
Whatevs.
We can’t all do all the same things in the same way. We can’t all have big wins every day. That’s life. Some days you’re a superstar parent with your chore chart and your child’s cute little bento box lunchbox all packed with kale chips and blueberries. The next day you’re the parent who sends an empty lunchbox to school thinking it’s full and you let your 2 year old stay in the shirt he slept in. all. day. and then let him sleep in it again that night. That’s LIFE.
So here’s what I believe to be the secret of good parenting: Be Present.
I want you to remind yourself of this when you feel like you’re failing or your kiddos are missing out on something important and you’re afraid they will turn into crazy adult parasites who still live with you and try to make money from youtube channels by opening toys while people watch. {That’s a thing, you know}.
Be there. But more than just being with them in the same space…. BE WITH THEM. Be engaged. Pay attention.
Today Charlie Grace was riding her bike in the driveway while I ‘gardened’. She said “Hey mom, watch what I can do”. So I did. And she came barreling down the walkway with a huge grin on her face and proceeded to crash into the car parked in our driveway. She got up and said “Wait, that wasn’t it. Let me show you again. I was looking at your smile and it made me crash”.
She was LOOKING for me to be LOOKING. Not at my phone. Not at the task at hand {pulling 10 million weeds thanks to the never-ending rain we’ve had}. She was looking for me to be interested enough in HER that I’d watch her ‘trick’. She was looking to make sure that SHE mattered and made rank as one of my priorities. The competition for my attention? Weeds.
I’ve never been more happy that I was looking.
The type of engagement we have with our kids speaks volumes to them. Notice I didn’t say the frequency of engagement. Hours spent in the same room with them vs. 5 minutes of total undivided attention and engagement with them? No competition.
Examine the amount of undivided attention you give your kiddos each day. Any at all? Or is the phone always right there? Is the television always on?
Now, we can’t always be looking. We have to get things done. We have to go to work, write that email, make that phone call, and clean that toilet. I’m not saying we have to spend every waking moment giving our kiddos our undivided attention, because it’s equally important for them to learn to be independent and do their own thing. And also…. that would drive me INSANE. ammaright? I’m talking about making sure there are times throughout the day where they have All. Of. You. Where you are present and engaged with them so they know that they are a priority for you. Where you take a picture of their leaps and twirls and you clap for their performance and then maybe you get up and do a few tippy-toe ballerina leaps of your own.
I’m not an expert. Maybe I should have stated that at the beginning? BUT I do have a lot of experience with children and as a pediatric speech language pathologist, I’ve had the pleasure of observing thousands of parent-child interactions. Thousands I tell ya! Some wonderful, some not-so-wonderful… some just ‘meh’. All of them different in their approach to parenting. The sunscreen they choose, the tv shows they allow, the toys they buy. But in the end, what really impacts their child the most is THEM.
Be present. In the long run, that will outshine any parenting fail. It will mean more than any toy. It will shape them more than a swim lesson.
Xoxo,
Ashley

April 3, 2017 - Oh Happy Daze

(foster)Mom Fail.

Y’all, I’ve gotta tell you something. I made a big parenting error last week. If you have a child like my Charlie Grace, I want you to learn from my mistake. I’ll preface this experience with a little bit of back-story.
Our Charlie Grace is an anxious soul. Maybe she gets it from the ‘fretful’ genes she inherited from her mama. Or maybe I’ve inadvertently shaped her responses to experiences; kids are, after all, always watching and learning from us. Regardless, I’ve learned over the past few years that she is my child who needs ALL THE WORDS. We discuss what will happen before going into an experience. We discuss what will not happen. We discuss when things will happen, and how they will happen and where. You may think this is overkill, but my girl depends on this type of routine. This is how we get through doctor’s appointments, play dates with new friends, someone other than mom picking her up from school, and holidays with those relatives who are strangers but want to get into your personal space with a hug anyway. Verbal Prep and our family are best friends.
She needs the words. She needs me to describe as much as I can and answer all her questions. And I always do because that equals a successful experience for both of us. Except last week I didn’t.
Last week we had a new little placement. He arrived late at night, but our kiddos just rolled with the new addition and changes in schedule when they saw him the next morning. That’s the norm now. We’ve had several emergency placements recently {children who have to be removed from their situation as soon as possible but a long term foster placement isn’t available immediately, so they come to us because that’s what we’re best at providing right now}. A new foster home was identified for this little guy after a few days so I packed up his things {and cried} and tucked him into his carseat {and cried} and snuggled him one last time {and cried}. I am typically very diligent in ensuring my emotions stay healthy when it comes to fostering, by reminding myself daily why we do this {Love God, Love people}, and who we do this for {any that have need}. It’s not for me, though I do love a good baby fix. It’s not for us to grow our family, though we will if there is a need. It’s for the child and the birth parents and I’m typically on board with the ebbs and flows of that process. But with this little fella it was different from the first moment. I was desperate for him to stay longer; even just one more day. I really struggled with having to let him move on to another home, even though he was heading to a wonderful family who will love him to pieces until his parents are able care for him again.
I don’t think Chris knew how to handle me this week. He just laughed at my crazy. And no, we typically don’t chat about foster kiddos like they are puppies, but desperate times…

I was so wrapped up in processing my sorrow that I forgot to consider the emotional needs of my children. Our little visitor was a part of their lives too. They form a bond with each child who comes in our home and we always talk with our kiddos about what is happening as much as is reasonable for their age, while maintaining the privacy of the child who is joining us. And when a child is moving on, either to another placement or to biological family, we always talk it out.
But last week I forgot. I didn’t talk to Charlie about where our visitor was going and why. She fell asleep on the way to social services. I remember feeling relieved because I didn’t want to have to answer her ten million questions that border on ‘almost too difficult for mommy to answer’ about science and animals and life and whatever other brainy topic she’s fixated on recently. When she woke up, our visitor was gone and she was heartbroken. “Mom, he was just here in the carseat a minute ago”, she said between sobs.
GUILT. I felt it like a huge weight on my heart. I felt horrible. I’d failed to meet her emotional needs. My kiddo who needs ALL THE WORDS. I gave her NONE. I didn’t respect her need to understand what was happening, and she deserved to know, because fostering affects her every. single. day.

Fostering is good. And she’s compassionate and loving and a nurturer from her wispy brown hair to her crazy little toes because of it.
But fostering is also difficult. It’s heartbreak, and confusion, and forcing flexibility on someone who might not cope with those changes easily.
You may not see my blunder as a big issue, and I understand that because we all parent differently. But I caused my child emotional stress by not giving her the level of communication she needed. It took about 24 hours for her questions and worries about our visitor to dwindle. She needed to know more information. And I freely gave answers and comfort whenever she brought the topic around to him again.
We don’t tell our children everything. In fact, I’d say our children are fairly sheltered. BUT, I won’t let my daughter’s young age keep me from talking to her about real life. About kids who need a safe place, or grownups who have a sickness and they need to get help, or a mistake mommy made and has to apologize for, or something we see that doesn’t fall in line with how God wishes for us to act. I won’t assume that she’s too young. I will continue to keep the words flowing. I don’t want the lines of communication between us to close before we even get to the difficult ‘teen parenting’ years. I want her to know she can ask, and I will answer.