February 3, 2018 - Oh Happy Daze

Getting my life back together.

Y’all. This week has been so good.
On Sunday my best mate Jessica drove down from PA to essentially help me get my life back together. Thanks to the crazy adventures in December and early January this year {Christmas kidney transplant, New Years surgery recovery, and Snowpocalypse resulting in school being cancelled for one thousand days} our home was a hot mess. It was as if every surface in every room had turned into that one chair that everyone has in their room where they pile clothing for 3 weeks before tossing it all in the wash. Add to that the fact that the kids still live here every day and don’t show signs of moving out any time soon. We had quite a challenge to tackle. Fortunately for us, my mom has been coming over frequently to help keep our home livable and essentially manage my life since I can’t adult right now. Also, Jess is superwoman and has a special skill called ‘get it done’. My house is now manageable again thanks to the two of them! More than Jess helping with cleaning and organizing, I just so needed to be near her. She’s one of my people, and as such helps me heal just by sitting with me on the couch while we stuff our faces with ice cream and send funny memes to each other from one foot away. She also waxed my eyebrows for me because she doesn’t want to be seen in public with Chewbacca. also maybe because she loves me and wants me to be my best self. We’ll never know, but they do look fabulous.

We also went on a ‘quick’ {lol} Hobby Lobby adventure with Kelsy Lee {aka kidney sister} and Tiffany {my fitness guru and the reason I ever finished grad school}. I didn’t buy allthethings. Thank you Jesus for self control. Also to Chris for putting the fear of God into me regarding my medical bills. I keep forgetting about those little nuisances. Can’t a girl celebrate her new kidney and new life with some retail therapy at the crafting superstore?! Apparently not, because we also have to pay the heating and electricity bills. buzzkill.

Then this weekend Chris and I got to hang out with other leaders at our church. It was so fun and so needed. I’ve been in hiding for over a month now, avoiding public places because people are germy and germs mean bad news for someone who is immunocompromised. also ew. I was hesitant to go, because germs, but also because of my issues with being prickly lately {read about my Prednisone rage struggles here}. In the end I decided I really needed to try to get out of my hibernation cave and maybe even put on some real clothing. And by ‘real clothing’ I mean tunic tops and yoga pants with the waist pulled all the way up my torso, because a waistband rubbing against my incision ain’t happening. Maybe I should resort to a dress that doesn’t rub against any of my skin. Does this come in my size Lady Gaga?

And quick question, are the body guards included? I need some protection from the huggers and high-fivers out there.
In the end, Chris allowed me to venture out of the house and into the masses. I’ve been starved for real worship and connection with my tribe. There’s no substitute for getting together with others who love God too and want more of His goodness and grace and love in their lives. Unreserved praise, immersion in learning, growing as leaders. It was epic.

{This weekend’s activities made possible by: Thieves essential oils in the air/on the skin/up the nose, as well as my own pillow and blanket, and cleaning wipes on every surface in that hotel room. I ain’t messing around.}

I needed this weekend. As of right now, one month into 2018, I’ve failed on so many fronts. I honestly have this nagging push that I need to be taking on even more things right now. Yet most of my ‘goals’ are still at square one and I want to scratch them off the list completely so I don’t have to worry about failing at them. Seems safer to not even try. Being lovely is so hard y’all. I quit.
Just kidding. All I DO IS WIN. But for real, I left this weekend’s event with a renewed focus. It’s so easy for me to beat myself up right now because I feel like I’m not doing enough, that I am not enough because I am in this season of rest and healing and being slow and healthy {ugh, like a sloth or something}. And I find myself keeping a running list of all the things I’m not doing. Guess what y’all? We can’t all do all things and hallelujahpraiseGod he made us all different so we CAN’T all do ALL THE THINGS. If I’m striving to add something to my plate because I see another woman excelling with that particular bit of life and I want it for myself I am going to miss out on something awesome God really wanted for me. I don’t want to be distracted by things that are not for me. I want to focus on lovely and I can’t do that by adding additional things to my ‘list’; that’s just asking for failure. Instead I’m focusing on unclenching my fist around the worry and comparison I so easily cling to. I’m reducing my ‘I must accomplish this’ list. I’m staying small and simple. Searching for the quiet so I can listen to God and allow him to direct my actions.
If this verse in Philippians isn’t the definition of simple and the path to lovely, then I don’t know what is.

Also, eating at Smash Burger helps too. Simple and lovely. Like God intended.

February 4, 2017 - Oh Happy Daze

I'm getting a new heart, no surgery required.

God moves in us. He loves to restore us and heal our hearts. His love and mercy are new and freely given each morning (and noon and night). Only He can release us wholly from the things that keep us from being free and truly living with a new, tender, loving heart. The addiction, the fear, the resentment, the anger, the self-doubt, the short fuse, the guilt, the selfishness… will turn your heart to stone. I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure a heart of stone will kill you. Just sayin’.

Chris and I had the chance to participate in a weekend leadership event with our church. And for the first time in a long time I actually feel healthy. And I don’t mean on the outside, though that is a work in progress too. It’s the inside that is healthy.
Over the past month God has been calling attention to a particular area in my life that has literally been turning my heart to stone. I’ve been dealing with a short-sightedness, of sorts, and also ego and fear issues. It’s incredibly embarrassing to put this out into the world and I’m ashamed, but I’m also incredibly thankful. Thankful for the mentors and leaders of our church who are all in for God and who have diligently maintained focus on the purpose of THE CHURCH (meaning the body of people who have put their love and trust in Jesus), which is to share the news to every single person they can track down (in a non-stalker way) that there is a way to live that is steeped in mercy, forgiveness, hope, and love and that it is available to everyone. God has used several strategic people to lay down some truth in my life recently. And it was painful. And I ran from it for a bit [picture Indiana Jones and the giant boulder chasing him down; that was me]. It wasn’t pretty and it was difficult to be honest with myself that the feelings I was harboring were toxic, even though they were from a place of honest, good intentions. Something can be good and still get in the way of God’s best.
I’ve been struggling with a bad attitude towards our church expanding to another campus as well as our campus growing to include two services instead of one. You probably gasped a little there and gave me a little tongue cluck because of how ridiculous that sounds. “Who wouldn’t want their church to expand?”And it is ridiculous (which God has clearly showed me over and over in the past weeks), but in the moment, my feelings felt perfectly justified and wise and right to my little brain. And my brain’s negative train of thought started to poison my heart and turn my heart to stone where this issue was concerned. Of course I want our church to expand, but I was so focused on what that would mean for me and my tasks on Sunday morning that I got lost and strayed from my purpose. And let me tell you, I was lost with what seemed like good intentions, so it was incredibly hard to realize I was lost.
I help keep our little kids teams running on Sunday mornings. I love kids and God has given me a crazy passion for helping them grow in confidence and love in order to live a genuine life knowing Jesus. I oversee equipment and cleaning of toys and teacher-child ratios and safety concerns and scheduling and ALL THE THINGS. And I want to make sure all of those things are done with excellence. It’s an obsession, of sorts. What I struggled to understand was that excellence is different from perfection. Our Next Generation area at church will never be perfect. No area in our church will ever be perfect. I was living in this fear, though, that some imperfection in our Next Generation area would be the one thing that would cause someone to walk out the door and miss out on knowing Jesus. And then their kids miss out on knowing that there is a God who has a crazy love for them. And my mind took that fear and ran with it and the fear and the self-centered vision poisoned my heart, making me blind to all the amazing things God was setting into play for the people he loves. All this culminated in me becoming frustrated and terrified that our church was spreading itself too thin. That I wouldn’t be able to keep things together and do my tasks with excellence. “We can’t even do one service at one location with excellence, how are we going to pull off multiple locations and multiple services with excellence?”
I was smacked in the face with the answer when God told me “you aren’t going to be pulling off those services with excellence. I AM”.
God will be known. The Holy Spirit will move. Regardless of whether or not I am tagging along for the ride. If a moment of panic overtakes me, carrying the thought that I will mess up or that something isn’t perfect enough, God will remind me that I’m just not that powerful. I can’t ruin his plan. I will do my best and He will WIN; not because I did something awesome, but because He is the creator. The hope dealer. The heart healer.
God, heal my heart. I want a new one and I know it’s in your power to give it to me. I want one that is capable of the kind of love and compassion and generosity and bravery that you created me for. And you’ll come through for me. Because you are trustworthy. And you are capable of restoring any heart, no matter how stony.

January 16, 2017 - Oh Happy Daze

The F Word.

Lol, made you click. Since you’re already here, let’s chat about the F word that always makes me cringe a little inside: Fast. The ‘fast’ I’m referring to is the biblical concept of voluntarily doing without {typically food} for the sake of honing your focus on God and his spiritual provision.
It’s such a churchy word, don’t you think? To the average non-Jesus following person, mentioning ‘fasting’ takes the religious conversation from tolerable to NOPE in about .5 seconds. Most likely because the concept of doing without is counter-cultural, especially for Americans. Most of us don’t have to do without…. so we don’t. Also, the concept of self -sacrifice and going without {food especially} dances along the lines of some cult cultures we know about and condemn. Not eating and even the word ‘sacrifice’ just seems weird to most of us. But I want to share with you that biblical fasting is good and wise and not reserved for any special ‘level’ of Christianity {there are no levels, by the way, and if anyone tells you there are… run the other way}. Fasting is for anyone who loves God and wants more of him.

Fasting must be specific to each individual because the topic of the fast has to be meaningful for that person, otherwise the fast won’t be effective. A food fast is good for everyone, really, because food is meaningful to all of us. If I were to choose to fast from television it wouldn’t be an effective fast for me because I watch very little television as it is, and could definitely go without it and not miss it. My response to a TV fast would be “meh”. Reducing my possessions is difficult for me, though, and is a true sacrifice, but might not be the right fast for someone else – like my husband, for example, who is not your typical American consumer and could care less about his clothing options or whether or not we have a cute vase on the table…. weirdo. It took him 5 minutes to toss 1/3 of his wardrobe into the donate bag without a single moment of angst or a second glance. Meanwhile, I’ve been working on my own closet for weeks and have had to take frequent mental health breaks to preserve my emotional well being. Because I love my stuff. I love my clothes. I love the pretty things in my home. They make me feel good, but if I’m honest with myself, they are burying me! There is such a things as too much good. Keeping clothes that make you feel confident and keeping things in your home that help it feel peaceful and comfortable and full of love is not bad. Those are good things. However, when it becomes excessive it is actually sin. It’s unhealthy. It consumes my time {because I spend so much more time cleaning and organizing and putting away all the things}. It consumes my patience {because I can’t ever find the thing I’m looking for amongst the other things}. It consumes my rest {because I can’t take my focus away from my to-do list long enough to be quiet in reading or prayer}. It consumes my control over my emotions {because I get easily upset over the loss of a thing when it gets broken or ruined, and my immediate reaction is not one of grace and love and forgiveness}.
I don’t want to be consumed.

“Don’t hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or worse – stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it’s safe from moth and rust and burglars. It’s obvious, isn’t it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.”

Matthew 6:19-21

So, this month I’m participating in a fast from possessions. You can read more about it here. I’m taking a purposeful look at the stuff in my home and severely paring down. Are you living in excess too? Many of us are experts in excess. We expertly and excessively consume ______ {expensive coffee, fast food, clothing, shoes, Facebook/Reddit/Pinterest/Twitter/other social media I’m not cool enough to know about, pretty trinkets, cars, Netflix shows, purses… fill in the blank with wherever your time and paychecks and go}.

“As Jesus explained it, the right things have to die so the right things can live – we die to selfishness, greed, power, accumulation, prestige, and self-preservation, giving life to community, generosity, compassion, mercy, brotherhood, kindness, and love. The gospel will die in the toxic soil of self.”
– Jen Hatmaker, 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess

Join me?
Xoxo,
Ashley

May 4, 2014 - Oh Happy Daze

Month 3: clothing {update 2}

To sum up this month so far: slightly interesting, a smidge difficult, and mostly very annoyingly inconvenient. I’ve been getting tons of great questions, so just to clarify my goals and guidelines for this project:
I chose 7 pieces of clothing from my wardrobe. Those 7 pieces are the only 7 I can choose from when I wear clothing this month {which will be most of the time, rest assured}. I doesn’t actually matter how many I have on at one time {I could wear all 7 at once, but that would be uncomfortable and silly}. These 7 pieces will last me the whole month. I can’t trade out pieces {as in “oh I’m tired of wearing this gray shirt, I will trade it in for a pink one, because that’s essentially what all of us do every day – we trade out clothing at the end of the day, and trade in new clothing each morning. Some of us do several trades in a day}. This restriction on clothing means: no jewelry, no accessories, no random shirt changes in the middle of the day ‘just because’, and pretty much no looking fabulous. It also means I have to plan ahead.
The purpose of the entire ‘7’ project {imitated from Jen Hatmaker’s initial experiment} is to help me realize that I am capable of ‘doing without’; I can and will survive if I have less. Fewer possessions, spending less, fewer clothes, less time spent with technology, less waste, more time focused on appropriate priorities, less gluttony. I have already tackled possessions and spending. This month is clothing.
I realize this month’s challenge is a tad confusing and I’m sure most of your thoughts include some ‘what the …..’ phrasing. It’s ok, I know it’s odd, but if I’ve learned anything over the past few years it’s this: if you hinge your salvation and life’s purpose on Jesus’ life, death, and un-death, then your aim should be to imitate what Jesus did here on earth. And if you are truly trying to be ‘like’ Jesus and imitate his perfect ways, that means your life and actions shouldn’t really fall in line with the lives and actions of other people on earth. I’m sure He was called ‘odd’ because he didn’t just fall in line with the cultural norms of the times in which he lived. He was different. So I’m okay with being different too. Sometimes different means saying no to the excess that we have come to know and love in our country.
So far I have worn 5 of my pieces at least once every day. I’ve been working in the community garden a lot, which is dirty and stinky work – I usually wear my tennis shoes, running shorts, and gray shirt. For any other ‘non-dirty’ activity, I wear my skinny jeans, white sleeveless shirt, and flip-flops. The other 2 clothing ‘items’ I have are my scrubs and a formal dress {that I need to wear to 2 weddings later this month}. I don’t feel the pressure to wash the gardening outfit often, since it’s just going to be icky again. The jeans and white shirt have proven harder to keep clean because a) I wear them every single day, b) if I take them off and wash them, I have to wear the sweaty gardening clothes until the nicer clothes are ready. I don’t want to wash them, but I need to wash them… it’s a predicament. I just need to get into a good routine -hold on to your nickers, I’m about to channel the Wilder family and wash some clothing by hand.

On a lighter note, today was my birthday and we spent it surrounded by friends {but you may as well just call them family}: it started with Church, then tending the garden with friends, then a cookout with an even larger circle of friends. It was a beautiful day and my heart feels so full right now. You’ll probably see some pics from those adventures later this week {though not from me; I brought my phone and my dslr camera. my phone died and my dslr had no SD card in it….. so exactly zero pictures will be from me}.
Here’s a photo of what I wore to church this morning {before changing into ‘get dirty’ clothes for gardening, before changing back into this outfit for the cookout}.

Our picnic lunch at the community garden.

And an obligatory Charlie Grace photo: playing on the playground at church

OHappyDaze

Looking for the lovely in life.

Church

Getting my life back together.

I'm getting a new heart, no surgery required.

The F Word.

Month 3: clothing {update 2}