On Mother’s Day weekend we found out my mom has cancer.
Just forcing my fingers to type that sentence was a feat. I wish I could erase that sentence and make it go away, but that’s not how cancer works.
I’ve never experienced anything like this; it causes a specific kind of pain in your heart. This information is HEAVY and hard to make sense of. It manifests itself as an actual physical burden, pressing on you. I couldn’t breathe. I could barely force out the words to tell my husband when I got home, and it took me a few more days after that to be able to speak it out loud to anyone else.
When she told us, she also said “But you know, I’m fine. I’m okay with this”. And I wanted to scream ‘You’re NOT fine. It is NOT OKAY”. Maybe I did yell it? I don’t remember. And then, I began to try and process it. My mind still, even two weeks later, seems to just be kind of frozen. I don’t even know how to pray; fortunately, God hears every word and thought, whether whispered or sobbed. He does not turn from us when we cry out.
We still don’t have all the information yet, and because of that I probably can’t answer many of your questions. About two months ago, the surgeon performing an outpatient surgery on my mom’s abdomen discovered something he couldn’t quite label. Our nephrologist stepped in and didn’t waste any time in getting more information and second opinions, as well as referring my mom to a colleague who confirmed a diagnosis of Peritoneal cancer. Peritoneal cancer is rare. The peritoneal cavity is essential a special lining in the abdomen that contains many of the body’s organs: liver, gallbladder, pancreas, colon, stomach, intestines, appendix, etc….. so many organs and types, I’ve had trouble reading up on all the information.
At this point we have more questions than answers. Biopsies were performed last week to help determine the possible location of origin of the cancer. We should have a treatment plan in place by the end of next week. What we do know: her cancer is late stage (meaning it is not contained to one location any more and has spread), but it is low-grade (meaning it is slow moving right now). We also know treatment will involve intensive surgery to remove every organ and piece of organ possible, then a chemo wash.
My mom is a crazy strong woman and I want to keep her crazy strong. I want to keep her, period, but I’m feeling pretty helpless. She’s facing a huge war against this cancer; but she’s not alone. Our entire family is standing with her, prepping to fight alongside her in this battle. And behind our team? We’ve got you guys. Her squad. Our friends and family who are rallying around her, ready to lend a hand where needed.
And God, He is our rock. My mother’s life is built on His foundation. God can mend and heal. He has proven to us over and over that He is capable. We’re praying fervently that He does heal her. God, please mend her. My prayer is absolutely selfish; I need my mama. I’m sad and pretty mad and kind of a puddle of feelings right now.
How is my mom doing, you ask? Um…. pretty much ready to rock and continue being a reflection of God’s love and grace and light to everyone she comes into contact with. So, no change? #teammom
Want to rally with us? Follow her story, get updates, and encourage her via her Facebook page: Kelly’s Tribe
Faith
Foster Care Truths: There is no 'winning'
Some of you may have read this post before; I’m re-posting it after making a few edits. It’s too important not to share again, especially since I know it may help change the perspective of so many people regarding foster care and because I have even more of an excuse to talk about ‘all things foster care’ during foster care awareness month.
In 2016, after our son Will had been in our home through foster care approximately 18 months, his biological parents signed an entrustment {basically signing over their rights to him, placing him into the state’s care and kicking off the adoption process for him}. It was honestly the most brave, selfless act.
That day, and then following the entrustment’s approval in court later on, we got so many congratulations. They ran the gamut from “He is so lucky to have you” to “Thank God he gets to stay with you”. And all of those are true, I think. We are able to provide a safer environment for him and God has provided us with more resources for helping him grow and succeed with his disabilities. And I was incredibly happy to be one step closer to having Will be a permanent part of our family.
I can’t express to you the relief I felt after those papers were signed. The adoption wouldn’t be finalized for almost 10 more months, so I didn’t have true closure, but any progress after months and years of being in limbo begins to lift that invisible burden of worry and anxiety that comes with constantly living in the ‘unknown’ with one of your children. Though I felt relief and we received so much support and love and encouragement… I could not enjoy the happy congratulatory phrases. I had such conflicting feelings battling inside.
Outwardly, I was happy and celebrating in the fact that Will was moving towards permanency with our family. Inwardly, I was mourning. I was mourning for him because he would be losing the potential for connection with the people who gave him life. I was mourning for his parents because they were losing their son. I think when you aren’t an active part of this process, it is easy to view the foster care situation in terms of “us” (the foster parents) and “them” (the birth parents). But I can’t see it that way. And we shouldn’t. It is not a case of us winning and them losing. There is no winning.
I’d been battling these conflicting feelings for a while and unsure of exactly how to express them when I came across this post from Humans of Foster Care. It captured my feelings exactly:
“Terminating parental rights is a very serious thing, and even when it is best interest of the child, or requested by the child, it doesn’t make it any easier.
NO ONE WON TODAY. There were NO “winners” in that courtroom today. No one cheered at the outcome. No one was excited. There was no joy. It was a somber day for all involved. Everyone knew what today meant and it weighed heavy on all of us in the room.
Parents walked out without a child.
A child, no matter the age, walked out without a parent.
There were no winners today.
Today was tragic. Today was hard. I am sad in my heart tonight for all parties because I am human.”
– from Humans Of Foster Care facebook page
There is joy in the process of foster care and adoption. There is joy in our own personal story of foster care and adoption. There is happiness and relief and hope for Will’s future. But God calls us to also share in the sorrowful burden his birth parents are carrying, and only God can provide true healing and peace for all parties.
Today, I hope you’ll take a minute to re-frame your perspective on parents who lose their rights or choose to give up their children to another family.
Please pray for first families. Pray for siblings who may never know one another. Pray for birth parents who may be feeling shame, embarrassment, anger, or loss. They do not win.
Then take it a step further and include all social workers, attorney’s, and judges involved in these types of situations as they make the most difficult decisions that impact so many lives and futures. They do not win.
Next, pray for foster families . Those who take someone else’s child into their home and love on them through painful times. They do not win.
I want to touch on one more thing, since it relates to foster families and how we interact with biological families.
It is sometimes very easy to fall into that mindset of ‘us’ vs ‘them’, particularly if the agency and courts and attorneys subscribe to that mindset as well.
One of my biggest regrets in all our foster care adventures over the years happened with Will’s biological parents. I had the opportunity to come along side Will’s birth mother and father and show my support for them during an important meeting and I didn’t. Now, don’t get me wrong, we did support them and provide them with as much encouragement and love every opportunity we got. Except for this one time. I was intimidated because we were in a big meeting. There were social workers and attorneys and all sorts of people present. It was my first time experiencing this type of meeting; I didn’t know what to expect and I was unsure of the social guidelines. So I chose to play it safe and fall in line with the general atmosphere of the room, sitting across the table from Will’s mother and father even though my heart was screaming at me to snatch my chair up, drag it over to their side of the table, and plop my heinie in it so I could be WITH them during this big meeting. Instead, I sat across from them; which from my perspective seemed more like ‘against them’ rather than simply across from them. I can’t even imagine what it looked like from their perspective. All I know is that because I made the choice to cast aside all boldness and ignore my heart, I sat in awkward fear, which meant I couldn’t comfort Will’s birth mother when she began crying. I couldn’t let them know that someone was WITH them and FOR them. I may not support their lifestyle or their choices, but I DO absolutely support them as humans, whom God created and loves. I support them as Will’s parents who gave him life and love him.
It was one missed opportunity, and yet I still think about it. I’m grateful for the experience though, because now I know better. When we know better, we do better, and there are so many chances we are given to change our own perspective and the perspective of others regarding foster care and the relationship between biological parents and foster parents. There is no winning in these situations. There is no ‘us’ vs. ‘them’. There is only protecting and loving and supporting all parties involved. Easier said than done for us as humans, but God is able and willing. He will heal and mend. It is who He is and what He does.
Getting my life back together.
Y’all. This week has been so good.
On Sunday my best mate Jessica drove down from PA to essentially help me get my life back together. Thanks to the crazy adventures in December and early January this year {Christmas kidney transplant, New Years surgery recovery, and Snowpocalypse resulting in school being cancelled for one thousand days} our home was a hot mess. It was as if every surface in every room had turned into that one chair that everyone has in their room where they pile clothing for 3 weeks before tossing it all in the wash. Add to that the fact that the kids still live here every day and don’t show signs of moving out any time soon. We had quite a challenge to tackle. Fortunately for us, my mom has been coming over frequently to help keep our home livable and essentially manage my life since I can’t adult right now. Also, Jess is superwoman and has a special skill called ‘get it done’. My house is now manageable again thanks to the two of them! More than Jess helping with cleaning and organizing, I just so needed to be near her. She’s one of my people, and as such helps me heal just by sitting with me on the couch while we stuff our faces with ice cream and send funny memes to each other from one foot away. She also waxed my eyebrows for me because she doesn’t want to be seen in public with Chewbacca. also maybe because she loves me and wants me to be my best self. We’ll never know, but they do look fabulous.
We also went on a ‘quick’ {lol} Hobby Lobby adventure with Kelsy Lee {aka kidney sister} and Tiffany {my fitness guru and the reason I ever finished grad school}. I didn’t buy allthethings. Thank you Jesus for self control. Also to Chris for putting the fear of God into me regarding my medical bills. I keep forgetting about those little nuisances. Can’t a girl celebrate her new kidney and new life with some retail therapy at the crafting superstore?! Apparently not, because we also have to pay the heating and electricity bills. buzzkill.
Then this weekend Chris and I got to hang out with other leaders at our church. It was so fun and so needed. I’ve been in hiding for over a month now, avoiding public places because people are germy and germs mean bad news for someone who is immunocompromised. also ew. I was hesitant to go, because germs, but also because of my issues with being prickly lately {read about my Prednisone rage struggles here}. In the end I decided I really needed to try to get out of my hibernation cave and maybe even put on some real clothing. And by ‘real clothing’ I mean tunic tops and yoga pants with the waist pulled all the way up my torso, because a waistband rubbing against my incision ain’t happening. Maybe I should resort to a dress that doesn’t rub against any of my skin. Does this come in my size Lady Gaga?
And quick question, are the body guards included? I need some protection from the huggers and high-fivers out there.
In the end, Chris allowed me to venture out of the house and into the masses. I’ve been starved for real worship and connection with my tribe. There’s no substitute for getting together with others who love God too and want more of His goodness and grace and love in their lives. Unreserved praise, immersion in learning, growing as leaders. It was epic.
{This weekend’s activities made possible by: Thieves essential oils in the air/on the skin/up the nose, as well as my own pillow and blanket, and cleaning wipes on every surface in that hotel room. I ain’t messing around.}
I needed this weekend. As of right now, one month into 2018, I’ve failed on so many fronts. I honestly have this nagging push that I need to be taking on even more things right now. Yet most of my ‘goals’ are still at square one and I want to scratch them off the list completely so I don’t have to worry about failing at them. Seems safer to not even try. Being lovely is so hard y’all. I quit.
Just kidding. All I DO IS WIN. But for real, I left this weekend’s event with a renewed focus. It’s so easy for me to beat myself up right now because I feel like I’m not doing enough, that I am not enough because I am in this season of rest and healing and being slow and healthy {ugh, like a sloth or something}. And I find myself keeping a running list of all the things I’m not doing. Guess what y’all? We can’t all do all things and hallelujahpraiseGod he made us all different so we CAN’T all do ALL THE THINGS. If I’m striving to add something to my plate because I see another woman excelling with that particular bit of life and I want it for myself I am going to miss out on something awesome God really wanted for me. I don’t want to be distracted by things that are not for me. I want to focus on lovely and I can’t do that by adding additional things to my ‘list’; that’s just asking for failure. Instead I’m focusing on unclenching my fist around the worry and comparison I so easily cling to. I’m reducing my ‘I must accomplish this’ list. I’m staying small and simple. Searching for the quiet so I can listen to God and allow him to direct my actions.
If this verse in Philippians isn’t the definition of simple and the path to lovely, then I don’t know what is.
Also, eating at Smash Burger helps too. Simple and lovely. Like God intended.
Be Lovely.
I know of many people who adopt a ‘word’ of the year. It’s a little more simplified than having specific goals, but it’s a great way to keep your focus and determine your actions as your year progresses. I’ve yet to have a ‘word of the year’. I’m still old school and usually set goals or ‘resolutions’. However, if I’m being honest, I don’t think I’ve ever actually kept a resolution through an entire year. So that approach is not really working out for me too well. Admit it pal, you probably haven’t kept your resolutions either!
This year I’m trying something new. I figure, I’ve got a new kidney, why not go big and change a few more things? Instead of a word, though, I’m focusing on a phrase.
Several months ago I stumbled on this phrase and it’s been bouncing around in my head ever since. It just won’t go away; so I’ve decided to cling to it.
adjective love·ly \ ˈləv-lē \
delightful in beauty, harmony, or grace. very pleasant or enjoyable.
Am I the only one who is craving this? I so want to be lovely. It’s not about appearance. It’s a label I want all the way down to my marrow.
I want the thoughts I think to be lovely.
I want the words I speak to my children to be lovely.
I want my husband to come home and look at me and find me lovely.
I want my interactions with strangers to be lovely.
I want my friendships to be lovely.
I want God to find the way I spend my days lovely.
Guess what though? I ain’t lovely! That thought is kinda depressing and the thought of all I need to change in order to be lovely is daunting. There is no way I can slap that label on my life as it is right now. Things are a hot mess. That’s where the first part of the phrase comes in, though. I am not yet lovely deep down where it counts. But I can be.
“She talked to God daily…” This is the only way to ensure my lovely isn’t just skin deep.
Proverbs 27:19 (NLT) tells us
As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the real person.
And again in Luke 6:45 (Voice) we are told
A person full of goodness in his heart produces good things; a person with an evil reservoir in his heart pours out evil things. The heart overflows in the words a person speaks; your words reveal what’s within your heart.
If what is inside us isn’t lovely…. then what comes out of us through our words and actions sure won’t be. I want to make sure the content of my heart is lovely. Anyone can be lovely on the outside. But to be truly lovely it will come from inside. Bone deep. You can’t hide evil. You can’t cover up anger, or jealousy, or greed, or selfishness, or pride for long. Our true nature will always seep out in our words and actions.
What we fill our minds and hearts with will determine what comes out of our mouths and in our actions, whether we want it to or not. I’m choosing to be filled with what God offers freely for those who just reach out and grasp it. Those are the things He offers us that will make us truly lovely. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Gentleness. Faithfulness. Self control. I want those things. Desperately. I think you do too. Yet it can seem so overwhelming when everything you see around you in your life seems to be the opposite: Anger. Impatience. Frustration. Despair. Loneliness. Fear. Sickness. Pain. Sorrow.
How do we chase after lovely when everything in our life seems to be the opposite of lovely? The same way we learn to do anything: spend time with the master. How do you learn to paint? Watch and read and practice and breathe all things from master painters. How do we change the content of our heart from un-lovely to all-things-lovely so it spills out into every facet of our life? Spend time with the one who created lovely. Watch and read and practice and breathe all things from the Master. {wink wink, it’s God}
This year I’ll focus on guarding carefully where I spend my time. What I allow to enter my mind and heart through word or music or media. And I’ll spend time with God. Daily. In the words He has written us. Through the music I listen to. In prayer. and in simply waiting and listening for Him to move.
In essence, I hope that I will be lovely because everything that I’m made of, all my content, will be a reflection of God. The most lovely of all.
Do you have a word or goal(s) for 2018? I’d love to know so we can encourage each other!