Mamas. I see you. All of you.
healthy mamas. sick mamas. single mamas. working mamas. foster mamas. grandma mamas. lonely mamas. birth mamas. teacher mamas. happily-married mamas. teen mamas. heartbroken mamas. brave mamas. aunt mamas. grieving mamas. elderly mamas. hope-to-be mamas. soon-to-be mamas. desperate-to-be mamas. aren’t-able-to-hold-their-baby mamas. ashamed mamas. adoptive mamas. extra-needs-kiddo mamas. overwhelmed mamas. sleep-deprived-brand-new mamas. fierce mamas. struggling-to-bond-with-their-baby mamas. social-worker mamas. NICU mamas. Neighbor mamas. Soccer mamas.
All who mother in one capacity or another are honored this Mother’s Day. Each one of us walks a different motherhood path, and it is absolutely necessary for us to approach one another with love and grace at the forefront. Some of us mamas may be struggling this weekend. Possibly because our mama path involves heartache or painful experiences.
This weekend, Will’s first mama is on my mind and heart. To be completely honest, she is always on my mind. I think when two women mother the same human they are connected in the most unique, heart-binding way. I can’t ever express to her how grateful I am that she chose life for her son. I don’t want to share too many details, because that is her life and her story to tell, but I know she LOVES William and not having the chance to raise him was not her choice. She is God’s creation. He loves her. He grieves when she grieves. So I love her and I grieve when she grieves. I know she is grieving this weekend and I am heartbroken over that fact. It is an impossible situation to bring clarity to and to process in your mind and heart: I am totally obsessed with and completely in love with my son, whose first mother is also completely in love with him yet doesn’t get to see him or hold his chubby hand or kiss his squishy cheeks. Yet together, we are motherhood.
So let’s not assume all mothers feel loved and appreciated this mother’s day. Throw LOVE around like confetti. Be a bringer of grace to those who need it. Look around your neighborhood, family, school, church, and workplace. Who can you identify that might not be celebrating this mother’s day with joy and cheer? Wade into their grief or sadness or shame to meet them. You don’t have to have the perfect words to say and it’s best not to come crashing in with suggestions and solutions, simply acknowledge that they are seen and loved.
We see you mamas! We know today is a hard day but we acknowledge you and your struggle, and more importantly, God sees you and your struggle. He is the HOPE dealer. The JOY bringer. The SHAME eraser. The HEART healer. and you may feel like you are done with breathing, but God is literally the LIFE breather. And if you’re feeling like your experience as a mama, in whatever capacity you’ve performed, is more like a #momfail rather than a #momwin, rest assured that there is nothing you can do or have done to you that can wreck your life so badly that God can’t still mend you and use you in beautiful ways.
Every mama, I see you.
Fostering
Foster Care Truths: There is no 'winning'
Some of you may have read this post before; I’m re-posting it after making a few edits. It’s too important not to share again, especially since I know it may help change the perspective of so many people regarding foster care and because I have even more of an excuse to talk about ‘all things foster care’ during foster care awareness month.
In 2016, after our son Will had been in our home through foster care approximately 18 months, his biological parents signed an entrustment {basically signing over their rights to him, placing him into the state’s care and kicking off the adoption process for him}. It was honestly the most brave, selfless act.
That day, and then following the entrustment’s approval in court later on, we got so many congratulations. They ran the gamut from “He is so lucky to have you” to “Thank God he gets to stay with you”. And all of those are true, I think. We are able to provide a safer environment for him and God has provided us with more resources for helping him grow and succeed with his disabilities. And I was incredibly happy to be one step closer to having Will be a permanent part of our family.
I can’t express to you the relief I felt after those papers were signed. The adoption wouldn’t be finalized for almost 10 more months, so I didn’t have true closure, but any progress after months and years of being in limbo begins to lift that invisible burden of worry and anxiety that comes with constantly living in the ‘unknown’ with one of your children. Though I felt relief and we received so much support and love and encouragement… I could not enjoy the happy congratulatory phrases. I had such conflicting feelings battling inside.
Outwardly, I was happy and celebrating in the fact that Will was moving towards permanency with our family. Inwardly, I was mourning. I was mourning for him because he would be losing the potential for connection with the people who gave him life. I was mourning for his parents because they were losing their son. I think when you aren’t an active part of this process, it is easy to view the foster care situation in terms of “us” (the foster parents) and “them” (the birth parents). But I can’t see it that way. And we shouldn’t. It is not a case of us winning and them losing. There is no winning.
I’d been battling these conflicting feelings for a while and unsure of exactly how to express them when I came across this post from Humans of Foster Care. It captured my feelings exactly:
“Terminating parental rights is a very serious thing, and even when it is best interest of the child, or requested by the child, it doesn’t make it any easier.
NO ONE WON TODAY. There were NO “winners” in that courtroom today. No one cheered at the outcome. No one was excited. There was no joy. It was a somber day for all involved. Everyone knew what today meant and it weighed heavy on all of us in the room.
Parents walked out without a child.
A child, no matter the age, walked out without a parent.
There were no winners today.
Today was tragic. Today was hard. I am sad in my heart tonight for all parties because I am human.”
– from Humans Of Foster Care facebook page
There is joy in the process of foster care and adoption. There is joy in our own personal story of foster care and adoption. There is happiness and relief and hope for Will’s future. But God calls us to also share in the sorrowful burden his birth parents are carrying, and only God can provide true healing and peace for all parties.
Today, I hope you’ll take a minute to re-frame your perspective on parents who lose their rights or choose to give up their children to another family.
Please pray for first families. Pray for siblings who may never know one another. Pray for birth parents who may be feeling shame, embarrassment, anger, or loss. They do not win.
Then take it a step further and include all social workers, attorney’s, and judges involved in these types of situations as they make the most difficult decisions that impact so many lives and futures. They do not win.
Next, pray for foster families . Those who take someone else’s child into their home and love on them through painful times. They do not win.
I want to touch on one more thing, since it relates to foster families and how we interact with biological families.
It is sometimes very easy to fall into that mindset of ‘us’ vs ‘them’, particularly if the agency and courts and attorneys subscribe to that mindset as well.
One of my biggest regrets in all our foster care adventures over the years happened with Will’s biological parents. I had the opportunity to come along side Will’s birth mother and father and show my support for them during an important meeting and I didn’t. Now, don’t get me wrong, we did support them and provide them with as much encouragement and love every opportunity we got. Except for this one time. I was intimidated because we were in a big meeting. There were social workers and attorneys and all sorts of people present. It was my first time experiencing this type of meeting; I didn’t know what to expect and I was unsure of the social guidelines. So I chose to play it safe and fall in line with the general atmosphere of the room, sitting across the table from Will’s mother and father even though my heart was screaming at me to snatch my chair up, drag it over to their side of the table, and plop my heinie in it so I could be WITH them during this big meeting. Instead, I sat across from them; which from my perspective seemed more like ‘against them’ rather than simply across from them. I can’t even imagine what it looked like from their perspective. All I know is that because I made the choice to cast aside all boldness and ignore my heart, I sat in awkward fear, which meant I couldn’t comfort Will’s birth mother when she began crying. I couldn’t let them know that someone was WITH them and FOR them. I may not support their lifestyle or their choices, but I DO absolutely support them as humans, whom God created and loves. I support them as Will’s parents who gave him life and love him.
It was one missed opportunity, and yet I still think about it. I’m grateful for the experience though, because now I know better. When we know better, we do better, and there are so many chances we are given to change our own perspective and the perspective of others regarding foster care and the relationship between biological parents and foster parents. There is no winning in these situations. There is no ‘us’ vs. ‘them’. There is only protecting and loving and supporting all parties involved. Easier said than done for us as humans, but God is able and willing. He will heal and mend. It is who He is and what He does.
May is gonna be SWEET!
May is kinda the best month ever. Voting’s over. It’s been decided.
There are so many awesome things to celebrate and climb up on a soap-box for in the month of May, and throughout the month I’ll be sharing education, encouragement, and my experiences with all of these things!
It’s like May is MY month (well, mine and Justin Timberlakes).
I couldn’t help myself. I love this meme so much. Also I chose one of the memes that uses a photo of him with curly hair rather than one of his newer photos because A.) If I can’t out-run photo proof of my horrible hair in 1997, neither can he, and B.) solidarity amongst curly hair people, and all that.
Pretty much all of my passions and life experiences have collided into 31 days of ‘awareness’. Not great for being able to spread out my blogging topics, but regardless, I know you’re super excited for me to pour out all my feelings into words. You’re welcome and brace yourselves:
- Foster Care awareness month.
This one is near and dear to our hearts, obvi. Will joined our family through foster care over 3 years ago and we’ve had the joy of supporting and loving and nurturing many other children over the years so I am excited to share our foster care journey with you throughout the month.
2. Apraxia Awareness month.
For several different reasons I haven’t shared too much about Will’s various diagnoses here on the blog. I’m ready to share now, though, because knowledge is power and I’m a firm supporter of the “You don’t know what you don’t know” mentality. I think spreading awareness is so important, so we’ll all learn about Childhood Apraxia of Speech and Dyspraxia and allthethings together! When you know better, you do better. It’s gonna be SO fun!
3. Better Speech and Hearing Month.
Some of you may not know, but I am a speech language pathologist. I work here in Southeastern Virginia at our local children’s hospital providing outpatient therapy. How awesome is it that the educational path God guided me towards years ago has created opportunities and experiences that allow me to not only work with my own son and his disabilities, but with every foster child who enters out home?!
4. National Kidney Foundation Kidney walk.
These are held all over the US in various months each year but the one here in Hampton Roads is always in May! We get to celebrate my successful kidney transplant and the gift of life I received from my generous donor, as well as celebrate my mom and her awesome donor (7 years kidney strong!). God provided and he continues to provide for our family.
5. My Birthday! No photo for this. I just didn’t feel like digging up an semi-attractive photo of myself just to take up space. Also this one is pretty self explanatory: my birthday is this month. I want to say ‘I’ll pass’ but it doesn’t seem like it works that way.
I can’t wait to share more about all of my favorite things with you guys! No promises on daily posts or even bi-weekly…. you know how I do. You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. Also, I like to set the bar low so I can soar over it. It’s sound logic, trust me.
The Darkness
A friend of mine shared this with me today and it resonates so clearly with me, and I’d imagine with some of you as well, especially if you are or have been involved in foster care.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t talk about the negative parts of our journey with others because I’ll get a “that’s why I’d never do that” response. It’s a big fear of mine that my anxious, stressed, or discouraged words would be the reason someone doesn’t move forward with their foster care journey. God reminds me frequently, though, that the burden to rally others to provide for orphans and the oppressed does not lay solely on my shoulders (no matter what my stressed out mind might be telling me at 2am) and that people will use this excuse (and many others) to stay away from fostering even if it’s not my words giving them fuel for that fire.
On the contrary, I think it’s actually so important for us to be able to talk about the ‘darkness’, in spite of the responses we may get from others. I want so badly to encourage others to take steps towards fostering, but foster care is not rainbows and unicorns and if we only share the happy and perfect moments we are setting future foster parents (and, as a byproduct, their future foster children) up for potential additional heartache because they’ve entered into a situation in which they’ve possibly only been shown the ‘lightness’. We’ve been cautious not to share the darkness with them out of fear that we may discourage them from joining this cause. What they’ve seen from us has been filtered and though we don’t need to (and can’t!) share all, I think we need to share as much as we can of both the ‘light’ and the ‘darkness’ of foster care. Rather than sharing our experiences through a ‘happy’ lens, we need to display our foster care experience through the lens of ‘this is so tough, but God…’. It’s real and honest, but also provides an example of hope to others for when things are tough. Because things will get tough….but God. Caring for these children is His command to us and His ways are not our ways. In these situations we rarely know the ‘why’ or ‘how’ and we never get a sneak peek into the future to know the ‘who’; but God knows and has called us to act. So to all the foster parents out there, I say: share the lightness and the darkness. Your shared experiences, good and bad, won’t be the sole reason someone chooses not to foster. But they will be an example to someone who does foster of God’s ability to provide Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, and Self Control in situations where no mere human would be able to generate such responses on their own.
Share the darkness.
Xoxo, Ashley