June 8, 2018January 2, 2019 - Oh Happy Daze 1 Comment

"Yes" when I can, "No" when it counts.

Three years ago I posted this pic of 2½ year old Charlie Grace on Instagram with the caption:

Working on Saying YES to her this summer.

Yes to shoes on the wrong feet.

Yes to running through a random sprinkler on our walk.

Yes to two Hello Kitty bandaids instead of one.

#YESwhenIcan #NOwhenItcounts

It was the beginning of Summer and we were on an after-dinner walk with daddy and baby Will {who was a new little visitor in our home at the time. cue ugly cry because time flies and he called me mama spontaneously this week}. This photo perfectly captures Charlie’s joy; but when I look at it, the thing I remember most is how much stress this moment caused me and how hard it was for me to say ‘yes’ and allow her to run through that sprinkler. That probably sounds crazy to you, but hear me out.
I have an anxious personality. My mind automatically jumps to the worst case scenario and the ‘what ifs’. What if she slips and falls in the puddles from the sprinklers and knocks out her front teeth? Wearing her shoes on the wrong feet will cause her to have lifelong gait problems! Giving her two bandaids when she only needs one is teaching her wastefulness! and on and on. That’s the way my brain works. If it can go wrong in any way, I’ve already predicted it and now my answer is ‘no’.
I wouldn’t label myself as a helicopter parent, per se {and you might be rolling your eyes and calling me a liar at that statement}, but I totally own up to having hovering and protecting tendencies. Ideally, I’d like my parenting style {and CB’s} to be somewhere in the middle between Helicopter and Free Range, and we’re still working on finding that nice balance. I need to let go of some of those hovering/protecting tendencies because I don’t want my anxieties to negatively shape the way my kiddos see the world. The more effort I put into preventing them from experiencing anything bad or hurtful, the more I rob them of chances to build coping skills, confidence, and problem solving abilities.
In order to make sure I’m not micromanaging them and I’m allowing them to try things out without my cloud of anxiety hovering over them, I follow a simple rule each Summer:

YES it’s fine if you have another popsicle.
OF COURSE you can wear your high heels and Batman mask to the store.
SURE you can take all the cushions and pillows off the couch and make an obstacle course the likes of which even American Ninja Warrior can’t compete.
YOU BETCHA you can paint your own nails, doncha know.
ABSOLUTELY you can read 12 books before bed.

{that is… read them to yourself. Mommy’s max book count is 2 per night}

YUP, I’ll let you guys sit in that giant 9 seater Target cart that looks like a car and you think is fun because you get your own steering wheel. I can’t wait to get in some good cardio pushing you all around.
FER SHER you can use all the pompoms, googly eyes, and glue on one square inch of construction paper that will eventually be thrown away, doncha know.
ROGER THAT on the ‘doing your own hair’ thing. It’s going to look amazing.
10-4. You can use your kid watering can to drown all my plants and wash all the mulch down to the gutter.
NO, YOU MAY NOT CUT YOUR OWN HAIR. I draw the ‘yes’ line at scissors + hair.
We’re not saying ‘yes’ so our kiddos will like us and think of us as friends. We say ‘yes’ when we can so our ‘no’ responses are meaningful. If our kiddos come to us with requests expecting and assuming an immediate refusal because we always say ‘no’, they might stop asking and instead start doing without permission. The respectful communication lines we’ve built might start to close.
I will never forget the time in 7th grade that my mom gave me a ‘yes’ response to my crazy, ridiculous request. Back in the day when I was in 7th grade I had braces and glasses and bangs. Let me clarify: I had bangs, but I also have curly hair, so instead of a nice fringe bang that hung down and framed my cute face in a hella fresh way, they sort of stuck out like a little tangled tumbleweed on my forehead. So while we all had our issues in middle school…. I had it bad y’all. For some crazy reason, it was cool at my school {and particularly on my bus} to make your own fun-dip and bring it to school. That is, mix sugar and Kool-Aid packets together. DON’T ASK ME HOW THE MIDDLE SCHOOL MIND WORKS. I was one once just as you were but I DO NOT KNOW. I can’t help you understand your middle schooler. Anyway, I guess it was like drugs for the kids who were cool but not willing to get mixed up in the hardcore drugs and get kicked off the football team. So….. DIY fun dip. Let’s call it Fip {fake fun dip}. I wanted my own Fip so badly, but in my 7th grade mind I just knew my mom would think it was ridiculous and wasteful and I shouldn’t care what other kids think of me and yada yada. So I tried making some in secret, but I guess I made a lot of noise climbing onto the kitchen counters to dig for the Kool-Aid packs and she caught me. But, y’all, she didn’t embarrass me or even really ask probing questions as to why I wanted it. She said YES. She even gave me a cute little Tupperware container to carry it in. I was all that and a bag of chips on the bus that week and I still remember that ‘yes’ to this day.
To me, instead of just hearing ‘yes’, I heard “I see that this is something important to you, so it’s important to me too”. Such a simple event, but it really strengthened the roots of my relationship with my mom. Our foundation of respect became solid because she respected me. In turn, I was more willing to respect her decisions as my parent, even if they were a ‘no’.
This post might not strike you as meaningful if your parenting style is on the other end of the spectrum as mine, where ‘yes’ comes easy to you and your kids are living their best life knowing you’ll let them do their own thing. But maybe you’re like me and you keep a tight reign on every experience and let your worries and need for control guide your decision making. Let’s keep in mind, if all our responses are ‘no’, that word begins to lose some weight. When we save ‘no’ for when it truly matters, it gains meaning and respect.
It’s a true balancing act, but so important for us as parents to find that ‘just right’ relationship between protecting our kiddos and giving them freedom to experience things and make their own decisions, no matter their age. It starts this summer…. because baby steps. Join me! #TheSummerOfYes
Ait, I’m gonna bounce.

March 9, 2017 - Oh Happy Daze

Peep's Day.

Today is an important day. It’s the anniversary of the day I first learned of a special little baby. I heard his name. I heard his age. And that was about all the information we were given.
Caseworker: “We have a 2 week old”
Me: “Ok, let me call Chris”
Me: “Babe, we got a call. A 2 week old”
Chris: “Ok” {such a Chris response. Simple. To the point.}
Me: {faking a calm demeanor on the phone with the caseworker like it’s no big deal} “Ok, we can do it”
Caseworker: “I’ll bring him by in an hour”
That’s essentially how it happens each time we have a placement. So simple, and yet so not simple at all.
And then there he was. Peep.

I don’t remember eating dinner that night. Newborn snuggles were enough to sustain me.
Not knowing whether a placement will stay the weekend or stay forever is emotionally fatiguing. Regardless, I always feel this instant need to connect with them as soon as they arrive and savor their little breaths. I’m desperate to attempt to absorb all of the heavy weight which seems to surround their little life like an unseen burden. I don’t usually know the actual story {that often comes later in bits and pieces}, but i’m not required to know the facts before bestowing unconditional love and safety on a child. So many unknowns in the beginning. So many questions. But the one sure constant is that their life is precious and my job is to savor it and protect it, all while honoring the birth parents who gave that child life. My heart instantly marks each ‘first contact’ with one of our placements so clearly, like a bookmark, and I often revisit those memories. I love revisiting that bookmark in my mind and praying for that child. For their health and safety and family and for them to know God. It’s all I have left to remember some of them, and those memories are so special to me.
Peep’s ‘first contact’ day holds great importance for our family and we will always celebrate it; but not in the way you may think.
I know a lot of families who celebrate a ‘gotcha day’. A day to commemorate the day they first met their child in an orphanage or at social services or the day the adoption papers were finalized. There’s quite a bit of controversy out there regarding the terminology used in ‘gotcha day’ and surrounding the idea of celebrating that day. I hate to be blunt, but I don’t really care enough to dip my toe into that drama pool. I’ll steer clear of the debate about whether or not celebrating ‘gotcha day’ is helpful or harmful. I follow the mindset that each family should do what is best and right for the children in their family. You. Do. You. Because YOU know your family. You know your adopted child or foster child and know what would be beneficial to them and what would be harmful to them.
As important as today day is for me, though, I can’t seem to gather up any cheer to actually celebrate it with a fun party, because I know the story. I know most of the who and what and why that resulted in Peep being separated from his birth parents. And I’ve been an observer to their struggle through social programs and treatment requirements and visitations. As much joy as I feel at having him in our home, I’m reminded that his presence here means he’s unable to be there. In their home. In their arms. I. Can’t. Imagine.
I’ll always feel this way about foster care:

There is joy in this process. There is happiness and relief and hope for Peep’s future. But God calls us to also share in the sorrowful burden his birth parents are carrying, and only God can provide true healing and peace for all parties. I hope you’ll take a minute to pray for that for Peep’s birth parents; and then take it a step further and include all parents, kids, social workers, attorney’s, and judges involved in these types of situations.

Though I wouldn’t label my feelings as ‘happy’, there is JOY in this day. So we WILL celebrate this day as Peep’s day, in which we honor his story and all those who played a part in his life. His birth parents and his social workers and his therapists and his teachers and his nannies and his family and all of the people who are the pillars of love and support in his life. And him. We will celebrate him and the obstacles he continues to overcome. And though I can’t bring myself to cheer about the fact that we ‘got’ him, I will bask in the joy that I feel in being his mother and the grace that God has bestowed on Chris and I throughout our parenting journey, and the wonder of being trusted with another precious life.
Happy Peep’s day to all! We’re going to spend the day filling out the first round of adoption papers and reminiscing as we look at our photo albums and praying for Peep’s continued development and praying for his birth mom and dad.

February 18, 2015 - Oh Happy Daze

"She just woke up from her nap" and other excuses I make for my daughter's social anxiety

Y’all, I’ve been dealing with some anxiety. It entered my life about 2.5 years ago. It walks around in the form of a pint sized human. Its name is Charlotte.
If you know Charlie, then you know she can run pretty hot & cold. She doesn’t hide her emotions, and there are oh so many emotions flowing around in that 25 lb toddler. What you see on Facebook isn’t always what you get in ‘real life’. For example…

One-on-one with mommy before the doctor comes in

(even with raging pink eye):

After the doctor comes in:

I’m sure you’ve experienced it when interacting with her. Some times you get smiles and giggles. Many times you get the icy stare. The silent treatment. The cold shoulder. Eyes averted, shoulders slumped or head buried in mommy’s coat. Nobody is safe from it; even daddy receives this reaction sometimes. I usually explain away her behavior with comments like “She’s shy”, “She’s so dramatic”, “She’s two”, or “It’s almost nap time”.
I’d be lying if I said her reservation in social situations didn’t bother me. We all want our children to be outgoing, friendly, polite…. happy. My first response to her unwillingness to interact with others is usually to cringe. I fear, selfishly, that her silence will be perceived as rudeness and her failure to return a wave, answer a question, or even smile at someone is a reflection on my parenting skills. I’m slowly learning, though, that it has nothing to do with my parenting and everything to do with my little one’s ability to cope cope with stressors in her environment. It’s not an intentional reaction from her. It’s not rudeness. It’s not disobedience. It’s not unfriendliness. It is so much more than that.
– In the grocery store, it’s the fearful cry and scramble up my leg when another person starts pushing their cart down the same aisle we’re on. buying their groceries. like you do. at a grocery store.
– On the playground, it’s staying frozen on the stairs if another child gets too close.
– It’s startling and covering her ears when someone opens the front door.
– At her grandparent’s house (whom she sees at least twice a week) it’s the refusal to talk to them or give affection until a ‘warming period’ has passed (usually about 30 minutes).
– In the carpool line at school it’s remaining stoic while the teacher puts her in her car seat, only to come to life and joyfully tell me she had a boogie on her finger as soon as the car door is shut.
– It’s confidence changing abruptly to silence when someone addresses her directly.
I’ve always been confused with her ability to flutter between playful and isolated, between conversational dominance and suddenly refusing interactions altogether. I didn’t understand why she would demonstrate this uber social, outgoing, verbal character at home or in the car with me, but lock it down as soon as the environment or company changed. “It’s just a stage” I’ve heard. And part of it still most likely is. She’s only two. She behaves like a two year old. My mom instincts have been kicking in though, and they let me know this is a bit more than being ‘just two’. I’d be doing her a disservice as her parent if I just let it go and see what happens. I’ve personally struggled with anxiety a little bit throughout my teenage-adult years; occasional therapy to talk it out and coping strategies to work it out have helped me greatly. There are things I can do now to help her so she can cope independently later on. I’ve been educating myself so I can guide her as wisely as possible.
All children have some stranger anxiety. And separation anxiety is normal at various ages and stages of development. Kids get overwhelmed. They get tired and cranky. They don’t always ‘perform’ in front of others. And this is all normal, to an extent. Children have various temperaments – combinations of characteristics including activity level, adaptability, mood, emotional responses, sensory thresholds, etc. A ‘slow to warm-up’ temperament is not a negative thing, and research actually shows it may also indicate stronger resistance to peer-pressure in the later years. The ‘slow to warm-up’ child typically watches from the sidelines and eases in to interacting with peers and adults at their own pace. That’s Charlotte to a T.
What’s becoming more evident to me, though, is that Charlotte’s ‘slow to warm-up’ temperament is coupled with some true toddler anxiety; it shows itself as hives when we go to the doctor, scratching and pulling at her skin when nervous, night terrors, and extreme emotional responses to things {usually tears and melting into a puddle on the floor} in which she’s difficult to calm down. She’s easily frustrated when things aren’t perfect {her fork won’t stab the blueberry, her hand has a smudge of yogurt on it, her pajama zipper is up too high}; and this mixed with some tactile sensitivities often results in tears or shut-down. At home with us she is the silliest, most talkative, and creative kiddo. Very few people get to witness that side of her. Her affection is not easily won by outsiders {meaning anyone but mom, dad, or our doggy Baxter}. And I don’t want to change that about her. But I do want to learn as much as I can about her anxious tendencies so I can help her. Parenting strategies are not ‘one size fits all’ and our actions now will either strengthen her anxious responses to stressful situations or strengthen her self-confidence and coping skills to deal with various stressful situations. I’d prefer the latter. I’d also prefer to just give her a shirt that says “please give me time to warm up”, but I can’t, so instead I’m using these guidelines to help me help her:
1. Hold her.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with holding your child for comfort {or allowing them to cling to your leg}. It’s not coddling them. It’s not feeding into a weakness. It’s not reflecting poorly on you as a parent. It is providing them with a safe, comforting place from which to observe their surroundings, study who is around, what is going on, and allows them to safely begin interactions at their own pace. This is the one I struggle with the most; I think I assume she should continue to be confident and independent in all situations just like she is at home. That’s not the case and I can’t force her to be comfortable in all situations. But I can comfort her and encourage her.
2. Pick my battles.
If eating broccoli is stressful and being at a birthday party is stressful, then I will not make her eat broccoli while at a birthday party. We’ll save that for a day at home around the kitchen table. What kind of sick people have broccoli at a birthday party anyway?!
3. Model appropriate social behavior and language.
This one is something I feel I’ve been doing with her since birth since that is what I get paid to do {ahem, my business}, but you can never ‘over-do’ it when it comes to modeling appropriate language and behaviors. For example: A friend comes over for a play-date. Friend says “here Charlotte you have this truck”. Charlotte looks away and ignores him. I model “Thank you for sharing!” or “No thank you”, as well as the appropriate body language for a friendly interaction. I also speak directly to her – “It’s ok if you don’t want that truck” or “I bet we could find another truck and have a race with him”. Then demonstrate playing with said friend. It may seem silly if you aren’t used to that type of over-exaggerated role play, but it can go a long way with helping a kiddo who isn’t able to ‘use their words’ or isn’t exactly thinking of how their ‘social avoidance’ is coming across to their peer.
4. Distract her.
The more she feels the attention on her, the more she will avoid interactions. When in a place that Charlotte is not comfortable {i.e.: anywhere but home for the most part} Chris and I focus on play or engaging in a familiar activity to help alleviate anxiety and reduce the amount of attention placed on her. Chase, I spy, tickles, offer a snack… all serve to distract her, break the ice a little, and show her that this is a safe, fun place and she can enjoy herself.
5. Maintain Routines.
Sometimes she is ‘just tired’ or ‘just hungry’ and for her those needs outweigh the need to maintain social norms by interacting with others. I can help her by not scheduling appointments or activities during nap time and making sure I have food to offer her when she gets ‘hangry’ {anger due to hunger = hangry}.
6. Allow her to respond in her own time and in her own way.
Kids are cute and whenever we run into someone in the outside world {even strangers}, the attention is usually on Charlotte. People touch her, they ask her questions, they get too close … they do what comes naturally when interacting with kids. I’m not saying I’m going to stop people from interacting with her, but I am going to stop feeling bad about her reluctance to interact with them. I usually fight an inner ‘cringe’ moment when she gives a blank stare in return to someone’s friendly greeting. I take it personally when she doesn’t respond in a friendly manner to other people, as if it’s a slap in the face to my parenting skills and my ability to teach my child manners. So I usually give one of the excuses I mentioned before and hope for a better response from her next time. I’m going to stop putting that pressure on her {and on myself}.
7. Give her options and don’t take it personally.
Instead of forcing a particular response {i.e.: “Say hi to ____”}, I’ll suggest appropriate options {“Would you like to say Hi or wave?”}. As adults we gauge the depth of our relationships with one another by the interactions we have {If I kiss you on the lips, we’re married. If I throw a casual wave, you’re just a friend. If I begin to ignore your questions or move to the other side of the room, that’s signals that I don’t really want to interact with you… and maybe you smell}. We can’t hold our interactions with children to the same standards, though. If Charlotte doesn’t run to you for a hug or won’t laugh at your tickles, it’s not a personal snub or rejection. It may have nothing to do with you at all! She may be overwhelmed, the room may be too noisy, or she may just be processing her environment. She adores her daddy, but sometimes isn’t able to cuddle with him as soon as he gets home from work {no matter how much he would love that!}. He knows to give her some space and she will eventually initiate play with him. Something my mom loves to say to Charlotte is “Do you have a hug for me”? – that’s a very low pressure way of ‘asking’ for a hug, but allows Charlotte to choose, and many times it’s ‘no’, which is okay! If we attempt to force an interaction she actually seems to take longer to warm up to an environment than if we just let her go at her own pace from the moment we arrive.
8. Praise her.
This is sort of a no-brainer, but it’s important for Chris and I to encourage and praise Charlotte’s social interactions. “I love the way you showed that lady how old you were by holding up 2 fingers”, “You were so brave sliding down that slide with a friend”, “I’m glad you gave Lola a hug, that made her feel so happy”.
Chris and I are working on being more supportive of Charlotte’s emotional needs; whether it’s her ‘just being two’, her ‘slow to warm up’ temperament, or something more; our efforts in helping Charlotte develop the skills to process stressful situations are hopefully laying the groundwork of bravery, self confidence, and self esteem she’ll need later on to build friendships and enjoy life’s interactions, not suffer through them.