Child, It’s been one of those kinda afternoons. The kind when you seem to cry over everything, while at the same time being angry at everything, and I just don’t getyou and I think to myself “Are you hangry? Are you tired? Is this just you and your four-ness and a reaction to your brother’s almost two-ness? Are you jealous? Are you hurting? TELL ME!”
And then I realize you ARE telling me. I may not know the exact source of your tears, but I do know you are trying to communicate a need with me and I definitely know the solution. You’re needing connection. You just don’t know how to ask for it.
So here we are. Connected until you’ve had enough. I’ll carry you until I can’t carry you anymore; then if you need it, I’ll carry you more still.
Xoxo,
Mama
I can’t help but think of the times when I’m like my four year old. I’m feeling feels and sometimes they make me cry or rage and I can’t quite put a label on the source. But I know the solution. Connection. I’m seeking connection. With my kids, with my husband, with my friends…. any or all of those help. But running to God for that connection I’m craving is the ultimate solution. He is trustworthy. He’s solid. He knows me down to my bone marrow. He knows what I need and will provide for me beyond anything I can fathom.
We’ve entered into February and, as is typical for any project I take on, I’m taking longer to finish this task than I had anticipated. Though I guess you should never really stop paring down your stuff, I had hoped to power through this by giving myself a deadline because I didn’t want to lose steam or have my motivation wane as the weeks went on and it got progressively more difficult to part with my precious things. And it really did get progressively more difficult to part with my precious things.
{Side note: I wanted to insert a photo of Gollum from Lord of The Rings here…. my precious… but I just couldn’t look at him. Too scary and I don’t want self-induced nightmares}
Even though the month is over, I haven’t been able to tackle all of the ‘areas’ of my home, so I’m not bailing on this until the very end {If you’re just joining me, you can read about my adventure with self-reduction here}. I’ve still been trucking along, tackling each room and space a little at a time. Closets, drawers, toy bins, under the beds, the scary junk drawer…. no area is safe. It has taken me a while to make it into each room because I keep getting side-tracked with random jobs that must be completed that instant. Like today, when I happened to notice how yucky the inside of our dishwasher was becoming. Have you ever really looked in your dishwasher? You’re supposed to clean it occasionally, and I feel like I have to clean ours more frequently than most because our washer is probably 80 human years old. All I can say is YUCK. I gagged three times. There is a little section where the door hinges that doesn’t ever get washed by the water so it is like Fear Factor up in there! Each time it gets yucky from now on I’ll just throw the washer out and buy a new one like the good American consumer I am.
Recently I’ve been focused on Peep’s bedroom, half of which was also designated as my ‘office’ which included all my therapy materials and our personal filing cabinets. I’ve uncovered some long lost memories while going through these bins of random junk and it was straight up terrifying to get rid of my old graduate school notes. Don’t ask me why, since I haven’t referenced any of it in 6 years {thank you Lord for the internet}. This week I said adios to:
Manuals. You guys. Don’t be like this. THOW AWAY THE MANUALS. If it makes you feel better you can check to make sure a particular manual is online before tossing the paper, but don’t harbor these space suckers.
Therapy materials. It’s hard to toss something you’ve made or something you ‘might want to reference in the future’. Guess what? That’s what the internet is for. And also my brain. I conjured up this social script for a patient of mine once before, I can do it again.
I had been harboring so many old therapy materials and books that I just can’t use anymore. It’s nice to make space for the things I actually do use.
I also purged half the contents of my linen closet. I mean, look at this ridiculously tiny closet. It’s definitely not a normal size. What is this, a closet for ants? It was pretty easy to let go of a lot of things in here because most of it was expired medicine, a crib sheet that’s lost its elasticity, six tubes of sunscreen, and fifty thousand bandaids. With all that extra junk gone I can find my essential oils with ease! Also this week:
Charlie got ‘tired’ from shopping. What?! #notmychild
We discovered I have an obsession with bunny slippers. Charlie decided on an interpretive dance to wish them well in their next home.
I rewarded my winning month of purging with a pretty new throw for our bed. I struggle with keeping our room clean and orderly and I think part of that is because I hate being in there. We’ve had the most horrendous dark dark teal carpet in our master bedroom since moving into this house 6 years ago. We don’t have the budget to re-carpet right now, so I’m embracing the color and bringing more teal things into the room. Loving what I put into my room will help me stay on top of clearing out the clutter; I don’t want to allow our room to continue to be the ‘spare room’ where all the random stuff goes to die. The teal throw was approved by Charlie.
Are you still going strong with paring down your stuff? Don’t quit just because January is gone. You’ll feel your burden becoming lighter with each bag of stuff you toss or donate.
Make space for the things you truly love and enjoy and are using regularly.
Xoxo,
Ashley
God moves in us. He loves to restore us and heal our hearts. His love and mercy are new and freely given each morning (and noon and night). Only He can release us wholly from the things that keep us from being free and truly living with a new, tender, loving heart. The addiction, the fear, the resentment, the anger, the self-doubt, the short fuse, the guilt, the selfishness… will turn your heart to stone. I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure a heart of stone will kill you. Just sayin’.
Chris and I had the chance to participate in a weekend leadership event with our church. And for the first time in a long time I actually feel healthy. And I don’t mean on the outside, though that is a work in progress too. It’s the inside that is healthy.
Over the past month God has been calling attention to a particular area in my life that has literally been turning my heart to stone. I’ve been dealing with a short-sightedness, of sorts, and also ego and fear issues. It’s incredibly embarrassing to put this out into the world and I’m ashamed, but I’m also incredibly thankful. Thankful for the mentors and leaders of our church who are all in for God and who have diligently maintained focus on the purpose of THE CHURCH (meaning the body of people who have put their love and trust in Jesus), which is to share the news to every single person they can track down (in a non-stalker way) that there is a way to live that is steeped in mercy, forgiveness, hope, and love and that it is available to everyone. God has used several strategic people to lay down some truth in my life recently. And it was painful. And I ran from it for a bit [picture Indiana Jones and the giant boulder chasing him down; that was me]. It wasn’t pretty and it was difficult to be honest with myself that the feelings I was harboring were toxic, even though they were from a place of honest, good intentions. Something can be good and still get in the way of God’s best.
I’ve been struggling with a bad attitude towards our church expanding to another campus as well as our campus growing to include two services instead of one. You probably gasped a little there and gave me a little tongue cluck because of how ridiculous that sounds. “Who wouldn’t want their church to expand?”And it is ridiculous (which God has clearly showed me over and over in the past weeks), but in the moment, my feelings felt perfectly justified and wise and right to my little brain. And my brain’s negative train of thought started to poison my heart and turn my heart to stone where this issue was concerned. Of course I want our church to expand, but I was so focused on what that would mean for me and my tasks on Sunday morning that I got lost and strayed from my purpose. And let me tell you, I was lost with what seemed like good intentions, so it was incredibly hard to realize I was lost.
I help keep our little kids teams running on Sunday mornings. I love kids and God has given me a crazy passion for helping them grow in confidence and love in order to live a genuine life knowing Jesus. I oversee equipment and cleaning of toys and teacher-child ratios and safety concerns and scheduling and ALL THE THINGS. And I want to make sure all of those things are done with excellence. It’s an obsession, of sorts. What I struggled to understand was that excellence is different from perfection. Our Next Generation area at church will never be perfect. No area in our church will ever be perfect. I was living in this fear, though, that some imperfection in our Next Generation area would be the one thing that would cause someone to walk out the door and miss out on knowing Jesus. And then their kids miss out on knowing that there is a God who has a crazy love for them. And my mind took that fear and ran with it and the fear and the self-centered vision poisoned my heart, making me blind to all the amazing things God was setting into play for the people he loves. All this culminated in me becoming frustrated and terrified that our church was spreading itself too thin. That I wouldn’t be able to keep things together and do my tasks with excellence. “We can’t even do one service at one location with excellence, how are we going to pull off multiple locations and multiple services with excellence?”
I was smacked in the face with the answer when God told me “you aren’t going to be pulling off those services with excellence. I AM”.
God will be known. The Holy Spirit will move. Regardless of whether or not I am tagging along for the ride. If a moment of panic overtakes me, carrying the thought that I will mess up or that something isn’t perfect enough, God will remind me that I’m just not that powerful. I can’t ruin his plan. I will do my best and He will WIN; not because I did something awesome, but because He is the creator. The hope dealer. The heart healer.
God, heal my heart. I want a new one and I know it’s in your power to give it to me. I want one that is capable of the kind of love and compassion and generosity and bravery that you created me for. And you’ll come through for me. Because you are trustworthy. And you are capable of restoring any heart, no matter how stony.
I had so many good intentions for this post. I had planned on sharing all our Kauai traveling tips with you and all the details about our days on the island, but I just don’t have time and honestly I’ve forgotten most of the details. You’ll just have to settle for a barrage of pictures. And you’ll like it.
Traveling to Hawaii is exhausting {particularly when you do it cheaply like we do by hopping red-eyes and enduring layovers}. But so worth it. My new favorite traveling accessory is this sweater. It’s basically a blanket with sleeves. So comfy and perfect for a power nap. Also, Chris learned a long time ago that the way to make friends in an airport is to bring a power strip. We never travel without it and we’re always everybody’s best pals.
We’ve stayed in Poipu {on the southern-most tip of the island} during our two visits. From there, it’s less than two hours drive in either direction to the furthermost point you can travel {many parts in the north are inaccessible by car as they are state park and preserves}. Kauai is the oldest island in the state. It’s had the longest time to erode resulting in forest covered mountain ranges, lush rain forests, and white sandy beaches. It definitely lives up to its nickname as “The Garden Isle”. No freeways, no skyscrapers. Just 2 lane roads {and sometimes single lane roads where you practice the art of taking turns with other cars}, chickens, roadside food stands, farmer’s markets, more beaches than you can count along with every water sport you can imagine, and endless mountain ranges to hike.
Things to do in Kauai: Eat and Hike and Swim. That’s about it. If you’re looking for a hoppin’ night life or a Target or a downtown with sky scrapers, don’t visit Kauai. You’d be better off on another island. That being said, I would choose Kauai every time {Though I might be tempted to visit Molokai or Lanai, two small islands off the coast of Maui that are very rural}.
EAT:
We are foodies when we travel and pretty much just while away the hours {or minutes} until one of us says “I could eat. Let’s try that place”. I could definitely eat my weight in pineapple and the sushi in Kauai is FRESH.
HIKE:
For this visit, we hiked almost every day. We can’t wait to go back and try out a few more hikes we weren’t able to get to this time around. All I can say is I’m so thankful for all the squats my instructors at the YMCA make me do in class. Climbing uphill never felt so good! I certainly felt like a beast after finishing this first hike up Sleeping Giant {until we passed a woman running up the trail on our way down…… she was hardcore}
Sleeping Giant
{of course, we had to go beyond. they said please}
Waimea Canyon
On our first visit in 2010 we actually biked down a road in this Canyon. That adventure is not for the faint of heart.
Awa AwaPuhi Trail {Out to the Napali Coast}
I did a pull up on the trail, and nearly pulled a muscle.
Everything was sore afterwards. Worth it.
In 2010 we got to see the Napali coast and do some snorkeling from a zodiac boat trip. It was breathtaking then and I’m so glad we were able to see this part of God’s creation from another view this time around.
Hule’ia River Kayak Trip
We kayaked then hiked to a pool of water where we braved a rope swing {It was supposedly the location of a Pirates of the Caribbean scene, but that remains to be fact checked}.
Chris’ little yelp makes me LOL every time I watch that.
The water was frigid and I was terrified to touch the leafy bottom, but I did it!
Kuilau Ridge Trail
SWIM:
Kalihiwai Beach
Hanalei Bay
Keoniloa Bay
There are so many more trails and beaches to visit and I hope we’ll get to visit again some day so we can check those off our list!
Other reasons to check out Kauai:
Awesome hair. The humidity is reportedly similar to Hampton Roads but almost constant tradewinds carry the humidity away, leaving you with fabulous hair that you didn’t even have to work for (don’t look into this research, just believe it).
Sunsets.
Tunnel of Trees.
Warm weather, year round. So perfect for someone who is always cold like me!
Also, there’s chickens and roosters everywhere. So if you’re ornithophobic, you might want to pic a different vacation spot.
The weather is always changing. “If you don’t like the weather in Kauai, just wait 10 minutes”.
Lastly, but most importantly to me:
Limited tech access. Sure, there’s internet at the resort and cell service in most towns, but for the most part we tucked our phones away and stayed away from the internet {except to post the obligatory Facebook photo to say ‘we are here’}. Some of our best, most heart and soul-baring conversations have been on a quiet trail on a random mountain range when it’s just the two of us and God.
We are so thankful for the traveling we have been able to do as a couple. We know we’re blessed and sometimes we second guess whether or not we should travel. But we’ve decided to take every opportunity we have to snag these experiences and memories while we can and we’ll continue to save and plan and be smart with our finances so we can take the time to enjoy this earth because we don’t know what the future will hold for us.
XOXO,
Ashley
